Colorism is defined as the practice of placing value on skin tones, with a preference for lighter skin

Sometimes I forget how dark I am, until I see a picture or someone passes a comment. It’s like how some people have body dysmorphia (aka a severe inaccurate body image), I have color dysmorphia. I don’t have a true sense of how dark I am, not because I have issues with my color, but because I have no issues with it at all! It is truly not in my consciousness. I honestly never think about it or obsess about it. It’s hard to explain this feeling, this oblivion to my color. Sometimes in certain settings, like work or some events, I forget I am the only black person or how dark I am till I walk past a mirror. I’m just a person. Whatever self issues I have it’s never been about color. Yearnings to be skinny – 100%. Yearnings to have a boyfriend – 100%. Yearnings to be light skinned – 0%.

I will openly admit (and I say it all the time) that I have this inexplicable weakness for light skinned guys, especially the mixed race ones (heart literally skipped a beat). I have always loved light skinned guys, but I’ve never thought about why. To me, it was as simple as, I like boys who are fair, tall and slender. “Fair” was just one characteristic out of many. I used to equate it to someone saying, I prefer thin girls to thick girls. Hey everyone is entitled to their preferences, right? Well, not quite. In the last six months this dark skinned/light skinned issue has been popping up on my radar and forcing me to rethink my somewhat naïve and flip attitude to color.

First instance:

I was whining to a guy some months ago about how I’m struggling with my self esteem and he said, “Is it because you’re not light skinned? Who cares? You’re beautiful just as you are.” My reaction was, uhhh, what? What the heck? For real? It just seemed so odd to me that that was his first comment. Was my color an issue for this light skinned fella?  

Second instance:

My mother and I were watching a Vodafone commercial (Ghana) when we heard this little exchange:

Boy: “So tell me a little bit about you”

Girl: “Hmm. Well, I’m dark skinned… I’m not too tall. And I’m plump. Do you still want to meet me?”

(The boy’s eyes bulge and he frowns, but his friend next to him whispers, no, no, she’s lying, she’s beautiful)

Boy: “Yes, of course. True beauty is on the inside. And you sound nice too.”

Girl: “Good. Then meet me at that new restaurant in 30 minutes…”

I was royally peeved. In Ghana? For real?

See the youtube video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aogPYREivLY

Third instance:

My dear Chris Breezy – each time I want to forgive Chris Brown for his unpardonable beating of Rihanna, the guy proves he’s just an ignorant thug. Chris Brown was criticized by Sandra Rose, a celeb blogger, and he took to his twitter page with this.

And he ends by saying that was fun? After Chris, all of a sudden I kept hearing and seeing all these silly inappropriate comments. My beloved Diddy placed an ad seeking models for a Ciroc Vodka promotion, key criteria – ‘White, Hispanic, or light-skinned African American.’ Thanks Diddy, love you too. In a radio interview, Neyo commented that “all the prettiest kids are light-skinned…” when he was asked about his current love life. I’m now struggling to like his new single. And I keep coming across adverts for Atlanta ‘light skinned parties’ – obviously not getting into any of those! So how do others feel about color, and the perception that light skinned is better? How do dark skinned people? How do light skinned people feel? Best to ask!

Many thanks to Nana, Simon, Biggie and Amani for talking to me so candidly about ‘Colorism: Dark skinned vs Light skinned. I appreciate it very much.  I know this blog is LONG, but it was important to talk to more than two people – diversity is the theme here. Plus, this topic is now pretty close to my heart and doing the interviews has been an eye-opener for me. Enjoy it.

Married life is steeped in secrecy. When people are dating, they are open (somewhat) to talking about their love lives, infidelity issues, insecurities, and so forth. The ring goes on the finger and all disclosure ceases. And when they do speak about their marriages, it’s hard for an outsider to tell what’s truth and what’s spin. Seriously, married couples are probably more secretive than the Freemasons. I think part of the issue is because married couples get advice all the time from family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and strangers. There is so much advice available it’s hard to determine what to listen to and what to let go in one ear and out the other. Everyone has an opinion on how you can ensure a successful marriage. With the avalanche of unwanted advice, of course they’ll simply keep mum on it all.

I think another reason married couples are so secretive is because there is so much more at stake. You can fail at work, friendships and youthful relationships. Failing at marriage, unfortunately, is more devastating, more crippling and more people, example kids, are affected. My third guess is that married couples feel a need to be secretive because of this paranoia (real or imagined), that everyone outside the marriage wishes you ill. This is particularly common among African marriages. The minute you’re married, you feel everyone, particularly your single friends, just want you to fail. So why provide anyone the fodder to drag you down?

In any case, somehow, I managed to find a few couples willing to talk and provide us with minuscule insight into their marriages. Putting this blog together has been challenging. Trust married couples to give me a tough time. I started the search last year after the ‘Women Tell All’ blog and found five couples. One couple dropped out really quickly, and then I lost another couple along the way. Now down to three, digging information out of the husbands was more like searching for life on the Sun, impossible. I really had no control here. The men just wouldn’t talk! I barely got syllables from them, but the women went on and on and on… Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It’s official.

Here’s a little glimpse into the married lives of Dede and Chief, Goldie and Edem, and Tikki and Kay.

Note: Hubby 1 corresponds with Wifey 1, but the couples are random for each question. Couple 1 for question 1 may not be Couple 1 for question 2. The answers are also not based on the placement of the pictures.

1.      At what point did you know this was the person you wanted to marry?

Wifey 1: On the wedding day seriously. I’m not a complicated or profound person so no soul searching and the like for me. A few months after we started dating, we talked about marriage somewhat half heartedly then I got pregnant so I really don’t have any ‘down on his knees proposal’ story. Getting married had to be brought forward because I got pregnant. It was the practical thing to do though I gave him lots of opportunities to not do it. It was almost like I was trying to get him not to marry me. Up to the wedding day was hectic and even the night before we had a fight. Then middle of the night he called and said: “what am I going to do with this wife of mine” or something along those lines. It was just the way he was willing to let go of my disrespect earlier (in front of his friends might I add) that did it for me. I’m quite fickle like that.

Hubby 1: During marriage counseling.

……..

Wifey 2: I think it was about 8 or 9 months into our relationship. He was with his nieces, babysitting them and it seemed so easy. I guess I kinda knew then that he’d make a good dad and thought to myself. I’d have to marry him first won’t I?

Hubby 2: Ah. Ah. (After a little sleep and more prodding) – When I was sick in the hospital and she stayed with me overnight. That’s when I realized I wanted to marry her.

…….

Wifey 3: I think it was like 6 months after we started dating. We talked about kids and marriage and I felt all gooey and warm. And we used to hang with his niece a lot. It felt right.

Hubby 3: Well we’ve have been through a lot together so I looked into my future and I realized all I could see was her. She’d been there for me and she made me understand what love was all about.

…….

2.      How long have you been together?

Hubby 1: Three years, I think. Well, we broke up and got back together so altogether 3 yrs.

Wifey 1: Since 2007, almost three years. Does breaking up and getting back together count? 3 years altogether.

……

Wifey 2: We met after secondary school. Our friends were dating and there was always that tension between us but nothing happened because he thought he was this bad ass and well I thought I was all that too. We communicated on and off through uni and afterwards.  We both found ourselves in the UK in 2006, both having troubles with our partners at the time so we became fuck buddies for a few months. I cut it off at times when I realized I was getting attached and he was just out to have fun and still liking his ex.

And at that time, I had ‘cooled’ off with the love of my life. I had rebounded with another ex who was also stressing me. My life was pretty full of drama. There were nights when I was with him when this ex of mine would call asking where I was, etc and he didn’t care too much because we were just having sex right. That bothered me. I wanted him to care and I realized I was caring too much for him. Anyway, I’d always encouraged him to visit Ghana because he had been away for awhile so he came to Ghana for a holiday, came back to London and said he was off to Ghana for good!

I was somewhat back with the ‘love of my life’ plus another fuck buddy. He came back to Ghana in October 2007 and I came back soon after. We were talking a few times before I came and I just got this vibe that something was going to happen. We talked when I came and I told him up front that fuck buddy will no longer work for me, so it’s either exclusive or nothing at all. I told him to go think about it. A few hours after I left him, he called and said he is cool with that. So we started dating from Nov 2007 soon after I moved back. I got pregnant in Aug 2008, we started planning wedding right away. I had a miscarriage in Dec 2008 and the wedding was in Jan 2009. Trust me in the beginning I did wonder if he was with me because of the pregnancy. I did all I could to be double sure he didn’t feel tied down. When most girls are convincing men to marry them, I was doing the opposite. My pride couldn’t take someone being with me because I was pregnant.

Hubby 2: About 2.5 years (married 1.5years)

……

Hubby 3: 7 years or 8?

Wifey 3: 10 years; met him on the 14th of November 2000. When I told him that was the date, he was like wow that’s my dad’s b day. I’m like I know now! Each year I tell you dummy! Anyways, so he goes to church at Ridge Church too. You know how when you go to church often you tend to sit at the same place or pew. I had seen him there a couple of times and told my sister and my mum I thought he was cute. So each time I was dragging my feet to go to church my mum would say your boyfriend will be there and I’d jump out of bed. So anyways, I was in school when an old classmate of mine, his cousin, came into my room at Volta to invite me and my mates to her cousin’s internet café. So we all dress up and follow her and we get there and you wouldn’t believe whose cafe it was! His! It was so funny. This is me acting like I don’t know him and yet we both know we’ve been eyeing each other in church. Anyways, bottom line, let’s just say we didn’t even need introductions. That was it.

…….

3.      What’s your perception of love/true love?

Wifey 1: Charley B, for me love is very difficult to explain. It’s a feeling that makes you tickled each time you think of the person, makes you want to look your best for your boy and yet you also don’t mind when he sees you in torn old pjs with your hair all over. I feel this piercing inside me when I fear for his life. When I try to picture my world when the kids have grown, I see us sitting on some porch, teasing each other about who is more growie than the other.  It’s the feeling I get when I hear something or see something and I want to share it with someone, he’s the one I call first. That feeling grows more every year, but it’s also more confusing. It’s transformed.

I believe we’ve moved through phases. Like that kind of ‘can’t take my hands off you’ stage, to ‘ok I am stuck with you so let’s see what you have to offer.’ Then it’s ‘ok I hate some stuff about you, but I still love being with you,’ to the stage where you know deep down that you complement each other. It’s a stronger bond now, plus we have kids that we brought into the world. So I guess yes its grown into a comfortable feeling.

Hubby 1: When you find someone who doesn’t mind your bad sides and still likes you.

…….

Wifey 2: I believe this is my destined partner. I don’t know who else will put up with my shit and who else will put up with his. I love him and I care for him deeply. Is that true love?  The word love always makes me feel weird, kinda over-rated I think and abused. I always seem to be the one saying “I love you too.”

Hubby 2: Respect, trust, friendship, communication/co-operation and encouragement.

……..

Wifey 3: I guess for me true love is being there for someone NO MATTER WHAT, having the chance to be yourself and not be judged. It also means having someone who ”gets” you and is not afraid to show you and the world that they’re crazy about you and would do anything for you.

Hubby 3: Hmmm true love. I don’t know. It’s being understanding, patient, being there no matter what. It’s being able to be yourself with your significant other, you know, no pretenses. I smoke, she knows I smoke she takes it as it is. Not that I go out and smoke and when I’m home with her I pretend I don’t or I can’t smoke in front of her and all that bullshit. Oops, am I allowed to say that?

…….

The success of Twilight: Eclipse ($83 million for the holiday weekend) and The Last Airbender ($54 million) have film critics in a tizzy. Many film critics are outwardly calling audiences dumb and stupid and so-called quality movie makers are appalled. Year after year, critics feel the audience is responsible for the churn of bad quality movies. Here’s a look at what they’re so upset about.

Worst of 2009

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ($402 million)
2. The Twilight Saga: New Moon ($300 million)
3. 2012 ($170 million)
4. X-Men Origins: Wolverine ($180 million)
5. G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra ($150 million)
6. Angels and Demons ($135 million)

Best of 2009

1. The Hurt Locker ($16 million)
2. Summer Hours ($2 million)
3. A Serious Man ($9 million)
4. Inglorious Basterds ($120 million)
5. 35 Shots of Rum ($177k)
6. Fantastic Mr. Fox ($21 million)

Looking at the dismal performances of the best movies vs the worst, it’s no wonder critics are going crazy. And they’re getting more and more vocal about the obvious dumbness of moviegoers. 

Author Nicole Griffen lamented, “I wonder who the people are who read poorly written, but wildly bestselling, books like The Da Vinci Code, The Bridges of Madison County and Twilight.” Her conclusion is that they’re read primarily by people who, in Griffen’s words, “don’t know any better.”

Stephen King, along with several notable writers, called the Twilight book series the worst writing ever. King said, “Stephanie Meyer can’t write worth a damn.”

And Peter Travers (Rolling Stone) refers to Transformers as ‘pure unadulterated stupidity.’

MTV’s Kurt Loder suspects Edward Cullen in Twilight is secretly gay. And Roger Ebert begins his review of Twilight: Eclipse with this, “The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start. Granted some of them are more than 100 years old, but still: their charisma is by Madame Tussaud.”

AO Scott of the New York Times says, “The best way to watch The Last Airbender is probably with your ears and maybe eyes closed.”

And M. Night Shyamalan’s response, “It seems I am speaking a different language.”

M. Night is not the only one in a different world from critics. It’s obvious from the box office numbers above that audiences are on a different plane from critics as well. Why? Don’t we know any better, like Griffen claims? Are we dumb like we’ve been accused? I blame it on three main things.

One, advertising. We’re victims of well-orchestrated and hard-to-resist advertising and marketing. Just last week, a co-worker said, you’re very loyal to brands aren’t you? I am die-hard loyal and I don’t stand alone. I cried when I broke up with Sprint and moved to iPhone. When the Sprint managers tried to sell me on the HTC Evo, my response was, ‘Honestly, guys, it’s just a brand thing. EVO is rated better by critics, I know, but I want the iPhone. Sorry.” Organizations spend millions of dollars on advertising in order to buy consumers’ love and devotion, literally. So when it works, why are we made to feel ignorant, dumb and useless? The movie industry is a perfect indicator that brands are incredibly powerful. With the right marketing and advertising, you can make a superstar of a guy who honestly isn’t a heartthrob – take Robert Pattinson. Then there’s Airbender, a movie based on a classic cartoon with incredible eye-popping trailers! How were we supposed to resist the trailers? Come on, they started showing the 30-second trailers last year! Same goes for Transformers and Twilight. Critics now claim the supposed Robert and Kristen relationship is fake, just to drive more interest in the movie. If that’s the case, how can we be blamed? R-Pat is now officially competing with Christian Bale for biggest cult fan base. And imagine this, Bale achieved cult status after Equilibrium, a movie that was panned by critics (I LOVED IT). Shrewd advertising and marketing have created unstoppable movie machines and audiences will keep those machines running no matter what.

The second reason for our movie-going behavior is pop culture. A lot of people hate to admit this one, but there’s truth to it if you’re really objective. It’s about the masses. It’s about group dynamics. Movies enable us be part of the conversation, part of pop culture and part of Hollywood. Who stands around the water-cooler and discusses how experiential Hurt Locker was? No, it’s about Team Jacob and Team Edward (Jacob all the way!). We want to be part of something, something bigger than us. I think Twilight is a ridiculously terrible movie in so many ways. It doesn’t stimulate or challenge your thinking or intellect in any way. Yet I’ve seen all three movies to date in the cinema on IMAX. Why? Because it’s Twilight and I just want to watch. And I will probably end up watching the next ones. The thankful thing about pop culture mania is it doesn’t last forever. The Twilight mania will end. According to a studio exec, “The Twilight saga of films are like a cheap soap opera. Yes, we are all jealous about the amount of money they are making, but you will find no one in the industry who is jealous of the quality of the filmmaking, acting or script. Sixty-five percent of its audience is young females who will abandon ‘Twilight’ in a few years just like they are now ashamed to admit they listened to NSYNC.”

The third reason for the disconnect between critics and audiences is because critics are really too technical, serious and egotistical. Critics describe camera sequences, angles, shots, the director’s unique style, story arc, pace, etc. They notice things we don’t. It doesn’t mean audiences are dumb, we’re just not filmmakers. Audiences tend to look at a number of simple things – cast, visual effects, dialogue, emotional connection and overall entertainment value. Critics are also a tad egotistical and believe they can literally dictate what we watch. They say we’re not as smart or astute as them. Definitely, movie-goers need to be astute, need to demand better quality, and just set the bar high in terms of their entertainment. But we’re astute in our daily lives, and sometimes for movies, you really just want to let go and not take life too seriously. So the dialogue and acting in Twilight sucks, but Taylor Lautner is really good to look at (if you can ignore Kristen Stewart). So Transformers is somewhat ridiculous in plot and action, but stuff is getting blown up and Megan Fox is in perpetual shorts. The dialogue in Airbender can make your skin crawl, but if you cover your ears, it’s a pretty good movie!

I am in no way saying it is alright for studios to deliberately create bad movies. I am saying they do serve some sort of purpose. A Beautiful Mind is brilliant for sure. Gladiator is spectacular. Gone with the Wind, a classic. But there are some days, you’re not looking for inspirational, fantastic or incredible. You just want to sit, lean back and watch 3 women who have no superpowers or alien blood leap effortlessly off buildings with no explanation offered – or because Charlie said they can. It’s entertainment. It’s show business.

We ask very little of movie makers because our lives are too complicated. We just want to have some fun, disappear into some dumb world for two hours and forget our real existence. For that reason, because of our intense need to escape, Transformers, Twilight and Airbender will always reign supreme.

Have faith, dear critics, Oscar continues to be on your side, for now. Even if Twilight makes over a billion, it won’t get nominated for any Oscar. Transformers will remain a blockbuster but Shia knows he’s not getting a Lead Actor nom from it. When those old Academy duds are replaced by the Gossip Girl and Vampire Diaries cast, then you can worry.

So now, all that’s left of the summer is Inception, which critics have unanimously declared, “the last, best hope for a summer movie as excellent as it is successful.” Let’s see.

I can’t imagine blogging about love and relationships with the World Cup going on. So until Ghana is eliminated (or wins the Cup), let’s shelf all that life, love and relationships talk for now.

Enjoy the highlights of the Ghana/USA match. Uruguay, here we come!!

This is me four years ago reading the news the day Ghana beat USA at the 2006 World Cup. The whole country was in a frenzy. I’d never seen anything like it. It was our first appearance at the World Cup and I felt so proud to be Ghanaian. Four years later, I’m in Atlanta, and I’m wondering how this World Cup is going to be like for me. What will I do without the fever and pure bliss that gripped Ghana four years ago? What will I do without crazy guys dancing on top of taxis and every car horn on full blast? What will I do without the almost choreographed scream that splits through the whole nation each time Ghana scores a goal? Is this going to be one of those ‘when in Rome’ experiences? Check out my three-day video blog on experiencing the world cup in Atlanta.

This is a blog I’ve wanted to write for a while and lately some signs have been pushing me to it. So here goes.

Should women completely be themselves or should they adjust who they really are to suit what the man is looking for? Sounds like a simple question but it really isn’t.

I watched ‘Just Wright’ (starring Queen Latifah and Common) a day or two ago and the first half of the movie more or less summed up my thoughts on the subject. Latifah’s character, Leslie Wright, goes on a blind date and it seems like a fun date. They get along, they’re laughing, flirting, having great conversation, the whole nine yards. At the end of the date, the guy says he really had fun with her, she’s good people and he’d like to be just friends. I could feel Leslie’s disappointment because it mirrors what I go through all the time. Let’s just be friends.

When Leslie gets home, her cousin Morgan asks her how the date went.

• Leslie says, ‘Dude just wants me to be his homegirl.’
• Morgan says, ‘Well you do have homegirl written all over you.’
• Leslie counters, ‘I’m just being myself.’
• Morgan replies, ‘You should never be yourself with a guy, unless you’re five years into the marriage.’

That right there is what I’m referring to. To be or not to be? I struggle with this myself. Leslie’s whole date right up to her conversation with Morgan is like me to the T. I have homegirl written all over me, because I am completely, 100% myself. But Morgan taught both Leslie and I a thing or two, perhaps being yourself isn’t very effective.

Morgan pretended to be someone else through-out the movie and she snagged her prized target. She wore a tight dress and heels to a basketball game, while Leslie donned a jersey and jeans. I know I would have worn a jersey and jeans. Morgan pretended to like volunteering because her target does charity work. She took out her weave, because her target doesn’t like weaves. She became the type of woman he liked and she got him.

Lately, before I even went to the watch the movie, I’ve been thinking that snagging a man is a strategy. No one can pretend it’s not. Women treat getting a man like marketing a product or service. The overarching goal is to: Get married and have babies. So if that is the goal, what must you do to get there? You identify your target man and then define his needs and preferences. What does he like to do? Who are his friends? What’s his personality? What are his pet peeves? Then you assess the product you have to offer. Does your product fit with your target’s needs and preferences? If it doesn’t, then you need to tweak your product, by a lot or by a little depends on the man and yourself.

An even better analogy may be that of a job interview. There are more single women than there are single men. Likewise, there are more unemployed people than hiring companies. With literally thousands vying for the same job, you must make sure what you have to offer is specific to what the company is looking for and stands out above the masses, even if that means some exaggeration here and there. You’ll deal with your ability to execute on your promises later. That’s the game. Full stop.  And this game works well because guys can’t really read women. They can’t tell who’s pretending and who’s not. They think they can, they will argue they can, but trust me, they really can’t. A woman can be who a man want her to be for life.

A short while ago, I met a guy I really like and I was discussing this crush with my friends. One of them raised a concern. She said this guy seems like a pretty quiet guy, am I sure that would work with my personality? My immediate (I tell you, she barely finished and I responded) reaction was, ‘Oh I have really toned down.’ And I responded not just with words but my whole body softened. I placed my hands demurely together and smiled a sweet smile. It wasn’t an act, honestly. I meant it. But then I wonder; if this guy was gregarious and my friend asked if I could match his spirit, what would I say? I suspect I would have said, ‘Come on, you know me, I can be as outgoing as anyone else.’

I think every little adjustment can count as pretense. Let’s say you’re an outgoing, open minded, free your mind type of girl. You meet a guy today and you like him bad, you want to tell him, but he’s not quite like that. So you wait till he’s ready to hear it. Isn’t that a form of adjusting who you are? You want to have a third beer or glass of wine, but he’s still nursing his first and you don’t want to scare him, so you switch to water. You were in bed till 1pm on a Sunday nursing a hangover but when he calls you tell him you went to church. He says he likes natural women and you immediately cancel your weekly weave and nails appointment. You’re a slob who leaves dishes piled in the sink for at least a day but each weekend he stays over or you stay at his, you hand wash every utensil, make the bed immediately you wake up and pretend a water stain on the coffee table drives you crazy. You’ve slept with 10 guys, but he’s only had 3 partners, so you edit your number down to 2. Well, almost all women lie about that, so maybe that doesn’t count. But we make millions and millions of little adjustments for men. Seriously, it all adds up. How do we keep track? How do we know which personality is supposed to be at play?

I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who was a sports fan – basketball, football (aka soccer), pool (which I will regard a sport) and whatever else. During that relationship, I was an avid basketball and football fan. I knew the name of each Lakers player. I was schooled in 3-pointers, free throws, dunks, you name it. I never missed his court games and I never missed any seasons, All-Star game or Slam Dunk competitions either. I was also a die-hard Hearts of Oak and Manchester United fan. Those were his teams so I didn’t support any other teams. Since the relationship ended, it’s mainly through Facebook that I know there is some basketball or football game going on. And I definitely can’t throw any stats your way. So what does that mean? Was I pretending during my relationship? No, I wasn’t. I did love basketball and football. But did I subconsciously love it because it was his life? Probably. There was another guy I was in love with who was crazy about Formula One and Grand Prix motorcycle racing. So I started following the races, got deep into Schumacher, Rossi and Lewis Hamilton. Since we parted ways, I have no idea what’s going on in the world of Rossi and all I know about Hamilton is that he and Nicole Scherzinger broke up. Is it okay to care about something because your man cares about it? Is that a form of pretense? I don’t know. Maybe it’s pretense if you hate it or can’t stand it but you act like you’re into it.

Last week, just before I posted the Sexual Lessons blog, I hesitated because of the guy I’m crushing on and I wasn’t sure how he’d take such a bold blog. Thankfully my hesitation was for a split second.

Whatever the case may be, conscious or unconscious, women tailor who they really are to suit men, all the time. And it gets so bad that we begin to lose sight of our true selves and what we want. Their dreams become our dreams. Their teams become our teams. Their lives become our lives. We do this in order to ‘snag’ them and some continue to do this in order to keep them. It’s the way of the jungle. You have to be a little sneaky to catch your prey.

I really tend to do me, but now I think it’s time to be a little more strategic and targeted. I think it’s time to do some ‘editing’ if need be. My ‘I am who I am, independent style’ isn’t working. The whole ‘take me as I am or leave it’ attitude is a tough sell in this competitive and brutal world.

If you’re true to yourself, you CAN get your man. But what are the odds? Life isn’t a fairytale or a movie. It’s up to you and in the end, a lot of men can’t tell. To be or not to be?

(I can imagine what the comments will be. The women will say, ‘I am always myself!’ And the men will say, ‘Be yourselves, we can always tell.’ Yeah, whatever).

My cousin Nana Darkoa has a radical and enlightening blog called Adventures from the Bedroom of an African Woman that I’m a huge fan of. A lot of people tell me they live vicariously through my blogs. Well, I live vicariously through Nana’s revolutionary blog. Adventures From is a forum for African women to share tips and experiences about sex and sexuality. It’s about time, honestly. So Nana and I decided to do a collabo about sex. I haven’t written about sex since my second post last April 2009, ‘Let’s Talk About Sex,’ so I think it’s about time I tackled the subject again. Our collabo is about sexual lessons, what we have learnt from our sexual experiences.

What’s the use of bumbling through life if you’re not learning a thing or two? Likewise, what’s the use of having sex if you’re not learning something? Sex is a discovery experience. I’m not sure anyone is born a Don Juan. And even if you memorize the Kuma Sutra from cover to cover, pics and words won’t make you a pro. It’s practice. Knowledge and experience gives you sexual power. So why not share?

Sometimes sex can be a total waste of time. Sometimes it is disappointing beyond words and you just can’t believe how useless it was. I think maybe another time, Nana and I will do a blog on ‘what not to do in bed’ because to me, with a little effort, the disappointing chaps could have been on this list. What’s worse about bad sex is if it’s with a good-looking guy who ‘believes’ himself. Totally annoying, makes you want to put a post-it on his forehead that says – Dude, you suck, bad! But that’s a rant for another day.

In any case, this list is for those who left an impact, taught us something, opened our eyes to something. This is my version and I also polled other people for their top lessons. This is a random list, so try not to figure stuff out. Check out Adventures from the Bedroom of an African Woman for Nana’s version.

Guy: Screamers give the worst experience and are a nightmare if it’s a man’s 1st time. Tongue, hands, lips are amazing, probably better at pleasing a woman if you’ve learnt your art form and taken time out to learn what thrills your woman. And if you do it right, she reciprocates 10 fold!!

Girl: Guys don’t always come. When you’re young, you’re made to believe that they do, but no, it can take them forever or they don’t come at all. Frustrating, and I don’t know if the problem is me or him.

Girl: Ice, ice baby! I never knew ice had such a crazy effect! This is my best discovery to date. Astonishing, really. So this guy wanted to give me a full body massage. I wasn’t ready to sleep with him but I figured a massage couldn’t hurt. So he started by giving me a thorough and deep massage with scented cream, and then he got ice and started melting drops onto my back, legs and inner thigh. It was incredible. But wait, I’m not done. He inserted the ice up my you know what. More or less, he effed me with the ice! It was mind-blowing. I had my first full orgasm in years. I don’t know where he learnt it but what he did with that ice was just plain incredible. A few weeks later, because he was so good with the foreplay bit I figured he’d be sensational with the actual deed. Dude was the worst lay of my life. WTF?

Guy: Size is overrated! Unless of course she’s been bonking a horse!

Girl: I’ve learnt size matters. I’m sorry, a lot of guys will argue it doesn’t but please don’t be fooled. We ‘tolerate’ the less endowed men because we love you. But honestly, size matters. A woman needs to feel full, feel taken over. If I can barely feel you, doesn’t matter how great you are at moving your waist or how good you are at going down on me. Sounds harsh? Just the truth. I may come thanks to your hands and lips, and whatever other instruments, but not your tiny ‘pepe’. Don’t go rushing to buy male enhancement drugs though! We still love you.

Girl: Never fake an orgasm. Yeah sometimes we fake it cause we don’t wanna offend the guy (well I did sometimes) or cause you’re just not feeling it so once they think you’ve come they come too and then it can all be over. Well I learnt not to do that cause then you rob yourself of a nice experience. You know both of you are supposed to enjoy it. And before you sleep with someone you should be comfortable with the person. Comfy enough to be able to say ”You know what, I didn’t really get there (after he comes which he surely will) so can we do something else to help me get there too?” And then go on and suggest stuff like finger stimulating the clit etc, something that you know always gets you there. If you can’t do that with the guy you’re sleeping with then you shouldn’t be sleeping with him in the first place.

Guy: Women are liking vibrators these days. I was hesitant to use a toy on a woman, because I felt it meant I couldn’t do the trick. But a friend suggested it’s a good addition so I gave it a shot. It was fantastic. It got me worked up too. By using it, I got to see what makes her tick, how deep she wanted it, how fast. The vibrator helped me adapt my style. And in the end, she loved it so, hey I’m good. It’s just unfortunate those toys are so huge! Can’t they make medium sized vibrators?

Girl: Don’t be shy in bed, guys (well some guys) like women who are confident and can rock their world as much as they rock ours. Be expressive, if he’s hurting you say so, if he needs to slow down tell him!! I know most guys don’t dig any girl who just lies down and takes it. So be expressive!! I’ve had experiences where a guy was busy slamming into me and all I could think of was OMG what the fuck is he doing (no pun intended). After that you can hardly pee or sit and all I had to do was find a nice way of telling the fool to slow down. Lololol.

Girl: This dude who’s like my ‘friend with benefit’ keeps coming back for more. So eventually I asked him what’s so good about our sex? And he said it’s because I participate, I don’t just lie there and take it. (do people still lie there and just take it?) Ever since he said that, I’ve upped my participation even more. And that starts with foreplay. I don’t let him do all the work. It’s a give and take process. I make sure he’s completely and absolutely dying for me before penetration. And during sex, I give it my all. Hey, once he’s in there, throw all inhibitions out the window. Just have fun, regret it later.

Girl: What have I learnt? I don’t come. I don’t know. It just doesn’t happen. I’ve learnt to enjoy sex without it, but lately I want that feeling, on a regular basis. I can count on both hands how many times I’ve had an orgasm with a man. I manage it fine on my own, but once a man is in there, it rarely happens. So for me, I’ve learnt to enjoy just the act of sex or I’d go crazy. An orgasm to me is like a black woman becoming President of the United States. Who am I kidding?

Guy: I know we (guys) keep saying women are frigid. But we’re partly to blame. So I met this girl, and I thought she couldn’t do jack. But when I started opening up to her about stuff I like, she started opening up too. I’ve learnt that sex is about communication. It’s up to us to make the women feel comfortable enough to talk. We have to set the mood. Some guys just scare women off, she’s afraid to tell you she likes this or that because she’ll get labeled. I don’t do that. It’s a skill. You gotta know who likes crude sex convos and who likes the sweet talking. The point is to just try and get her relaxed and comfortable enough to talk about what she wants. But then again, I do that if I really like you.

So what have you learnt? Feel free to share. It’s been a while. Let’s jist

There’s this perception, real or actual, that Ghana is the place where single Ghanaian women can quickly and easily find husbands. If you’ve been away for years, and you’re gnashing like crazy in whatever foreign city you’re in, its best to pack up and go home and you’ll surely scoop a man. Some women, within months, weeks or even days of arriving, land hubbies. And I actually know quite a few women who’ve nabbed within a year max of arriving in Ghana. So is Ghana really bursting at the seams with eligible bachelors? It’s possible. I get more direct stares and double takes in Ghana than anywhere else (although it could be that Ghanaian men are just rude and like to stare). In any case, I did have more attention and possible suitors in Ghana. Since I left, it’s been incredibly dry. And everyone just keeps saying, you need to go back home to find a guy.

So I’m in Accra, impromptu visit. I landed late Thursday night, after the worst travel experience ever. Delta sucks, big time. And unfortunately, there was no one interesting to fraternize with on the flight. Excessive ‘boga’ swag and lafa was rampant. I got home close to midnight, incredibly jet-lagged so I logged online to check emails and chat. And my friend in the U.S. says to me, ‘you’re in Ghana, what are you doing at home. Go out. Find a man.’ I argued with him a bit, and said it’s not that simple. He insisted that within a week, I could find HIM, and I shouldn’t slack. That had me thinking. A week – is it possible? Possible or not, I’ve decided to put the perception or myth to the test. I’m in Ghana, and apparently my man is somewhere here. So for the next eight days, I’m going to be looking for him. People keep insisting there’s a lot of fish in the sea here. Wonderful, let’s find out.

So that is what this blog is going to be about, a true and honest account of my week-long quest to find HIM in the wonderful Ghana market. Each day I’ll write about my adventures, and tell you what happened, and if I met any potentials. Since I’ll be posting on a daily basis, please feel free to advice me if you feel I’m heading in the wrong direction. And for all the single Ghanaian women living abroad, thinking of moving back home to find HIM, maybe my adventure will help you out, a little. Here we go, people. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck!!

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Day One – Friday

I could barely wake up this morning. I slept close to 3am GMT and my eyes just wouldn’t open. The househelp came in around 8am and asked what I’d like for breakfast. Ah, I had missed that. You don’t have to have a boyfriend, husband or high-income status to get fed breakfast in bed! I asked for eggs and tea and went back to sleep. The eggs and tea arrived 30 mins later. I ate and went right back to bed. My mother’s driver, another Ghana luxury I have missed, arrived to take me on my errands. The day wasn’t starting out so bad, except I didn’t have luggage and I had to wear the same clothes I’d been wearing since Wednesday. Delta lost my luggage in transit. They’ve assured me it will be here within the next few days. It better be. I’m on a manhunt, and that ideally requires freshly laundered clothes.

I got a phone and chip from my cousin and decided to call a couple of old flames. They weren’t under consideration for the quest but I figured I could start from there. One of them was taken, but I had a soft spot for him, and nothing in life is permanent right, except my single status it seems. That’s been around forever. So I made the calls, and chatted a bit. Two were excited I was back and one was totally nonchalant. Ah well, I shrugged it off and then stepped out.  My first stop was purely official business. I couldn’t even ‘shop’ at that location if I wanted – the selection was just old tired looking civil service men in their 40’s. No, no. Next stop, I sat outside the Adabraka VAT office waiting for my brother to get his VAT done. Nothing to see there either. Next, my brother and I went to meet some cousins and friends for lunch. Going out to lunch is getting really popular in Ghana. It surprises me. I’m not a ‘going out to lunch, or dinner’ type of person. Hanging out at home or the movie theatre will suffice. Hint, hint. Lunch was fun. I stared at almost every man seated there or walking in and most of them were like 40+ and wearing wedding bands. Where are the single men?

After lunch, we made a couple more stops. Nothing major. I went to Silver Star. I’m trying to get them to sponsor my book launch, so it was purely business and they had no eye candies either. After Silver Star, I went to Silverbird Lifestyle bookstore to check out my books and possible venue for the launch, also purely business, and highly uneventful. By the way, there are only 2 copies of CIRCLES left at the bookstore, which is great. I will replenish tomorrow, so if you haven’t grabbed a copy, please do . And email me, I will find you and sign it. Promise!

After Silverbird, I came home, drained by the heat and lack of men to ogle. One of my long-time girlfriends came by. Girlfriends, they’re such a rare breed. I’m trying to hold onto them a little better. And of course we talked about men. Is there anything better to talk about? She’s on the look-out as well, but I doubt she’ll be single for long. She’s super hot. Anyways, she said the single eligible men in Ghana are not as plentiful as people think. There are lots of men in Ghana, she said, but only 30% or less are serious potentials. That’s a disappointing statistic, but I’m not about to give up. After she left, I made some more phone calls. None led anywhere. My little brother went out without telling me and my cousin went to a party after work and got home tired. I really didn’t want to stay in on a Friday night but I had no choice. However, my resolve remains strong. This is only Day ONE!

Day Two – Saturday

My mother, very sly woman, tried to hide Coke from me. I woke up this morning in her room and saw this little fridge tucked in the corner. I didn’t notice it at all yesterday. I reached over, opened it and there’s this lonely 2-litre Christmas labeled bottle of Coke sitting right there. I cracked up. Was this the only place she could think of to hide Coke from me? In her little fridge? Hysterical. This lonely bottle needed company, so I liberated the cap and took a swing. Ah, Coke is truly a beautiful thing.

So the Coke discovery was a great way to start my day. I didn’t have breakfast in bed this time because I just couldn’t wake up. I really couldn’t. I finally managed to get up after noon. Life had to be lived, and it couldn’t happen in bed – well, maybe it can . Anyways, so I left home to go deliver 40 copies of CIRCLES to Silverbird. If you haven’t gotten a copy yet, Silverbird now has 40 brand new copies! Please go grab one as soon as you can. And of course inbox me on Facebook and tell me all about it. After Silverbird, I went to visit one of my long-time bffs. Like I mentioned yesterday, I am attempting to hold onto some girlfriends. It was a really good visit. It was good to catch up and talk and just relax. I miss my girlfriends. Long distance isn’t just a strain on romantic relationships but it’s also hard on friendships. After that, I went to visit my nephew. My life is primarily about family. There’s always this cousin, or that cousin, or my brothers, or something of the sort. I kinda like it that way. They have your back, always. The visit with my little nephew was great too. It took him hours, but eventually he managed to smile, just for me. That was awesome. He has a super cute dimpled smile, it’s just ridiculous.

After the two nice visits, I had to come home and get ready. I was going to meet an old friend at a concert. I wasn’t quite sure what this was. Was it a date? A meet-up? When we spoke on the phone, he said, ‘hey so I’m going to be here tomorrow night, can you come?’ That’s not a date right? There’s never been anything between us so I figured it was just a little meet-up, no biggie. I didn’t dress up, just a shirt and jeans and a little attempt at make-up. It was really nice seeing him. We hugged – tight. And within three minutes, I realized maybe this was a little more than a meet-up. It’s weird how you’re totally platonic with someone, no flirting whatsoever, and you see each other after a long while and then things are different. We went straight from kinda knowing each other to hand-holding, hugs and cuddling. I’m not sure what that was about, I was only wearing a checkered shirt, jeans and slippers. The concert was cool though, different, but cool. An hour or so into it, a couple of friends joined us, and then we all left to go check out some other spot. The tension between us was pretty high then, so we excused ourselves and sat in the car to talk. That’s another thing I’ve missed – sitting in a car with a boy. It beats a lunch date anytime. So we talked, trying to figure out what this attraction was, coming out of nowhere. He said maybe the events of the night should be the opening chapter of my next book. Hahaha, very funny. I told him I was going to blog about it when I got home and he was all for it. We talked for a really long time, it was cute. He’s a nice guy. And it was a really fun night, totally. I loved the attention completely. I soaked it up! And I just kept thinking, this is day two? Seriously? I need to move down here ASAP!

We went back to the concert briefly and when that was over, we decided to call it a night and made plans to ‘meet-up’ again. I had an absolutely good time. If I was back in Atlanta, I’d be heading to the movies by my lonesome self, drinking Coke Icee and swooning over some guy on the big screen. This is way better. The best part about hanging out with a guy is when he sends you a text when you get home. I particularly like the one I got tonight, ‘hey sexy’. Two words. That works for me, for now. End of Day TWO!

Day Three – Sunday

A friend of mine said, ‘what else is there to do on Sunday but to drink tea and lie in bed?’ I don’t like tea, but I definitely like the bed part. I spent half of today lying in bed. To be honest, I think it was more than half the day. I woke up late, as always, with a very serious craving for Auntie Muni. By the time I got there close to 2pm, there was nothing much left. No salad, eggs, fish and plantains. You just can’t get anything at Auntie Muni after 2pm. I’m not sure if that is on purpose or it’s just bad demand-supply planning. She needs to look into it ASAP. I was very disappointed. After my wakye brunch I went back to bed and stayed there till 5pm or so. I know, that’s just ridiculous, but it’s Sunday. I’m allowed. One of my oldest truly platonic male bffs came by and we just hang around and talked. I respect and admire him a lot because he’s totally himself. He does what he wants, and he is true to his interests, talents and beliefs. That’s pretty rare and that’s where I want to get to. To live the life I want to live, not dictated by what others think, believe and assume. It’s not about how others see your life, it’s about how you see your own life and the direction you’re on. Each time I talk to him, I feel like I’m interviewing him, because his philosophy on life and love is open-minded and mature. He had some pretty interesting insights about my situation that were kind of spot on. I’m stuck in a rut because I’m looking for fireworks. That feeling, that builds from the pit of your stomach and overwhelms you and you can barely breathe. That feeling that cripples you and you know without a doubt how you feel about the person. And he said a level of fireworks is required, but it shouldn’t be the whole deal. He acknowledged that it’s hard, when you’ve experienced the fireworks before, the pure unadulterated feeling of love and you just can’t seem to experience it again. Then you’re stuck, and nothing measures up. Ditto, my friend, ditto. So why can’t I have that level again? Must I settle for the Ghana December 31^st fireworks or should I keep holding out for the Macys July 4^th extravaganza (Macys spends a reported $8million minimum on their fireworks). I don’t know what the answer is.

After that creative, artsy, philosophical chat, we went to African Regent to check out the poolside – venue for the CIRCLES book launch in May. African Regent is a key sponsor of the event and I have never been to the poolside so I wanted to go check it out. I really want the launch to be casual, nothing uptight and stiff. I’m thinking a cocktail so a relaxed venue is important. I was at Silverbird yesterday, and their venue isn’t bad, but I think it works more for a book-signing. So the plan is to do cocktail book launch at Regent and then a book signing at Silverbird the day after or something. After checking out the Regent poolside, I had to head home. An old flame was waiting for me there.

This old flame is truly a special person. If there’s any ‘heart’ I could possibly clone, it’d be his. Don’t you sometimes wish you can create your man? With a heart from that one, and that one’s mind, and that one’s height and looks and so forth. Anyways, this old flame is a genuinely good guy. We hang out with my brother and cousin and had one of THE MOST INTERESTING debates/discussions I have ever had in my life. And funny enough, it centered on what most of you have posted on this blog – the level of education of the woman.

The men said honestly, all a man wants is a woman who won’t stress you out. Someone who will make you feel special and appreciated. Someone who acknowledges your hard work and effort. Someone who celebrates your successes and as well as make you feel better about your failures. That doesn’t sound so hard does it? But the catch is, they think most educated women in certain demanding professions don’t give their men that support. It’s the ‘me wura’ factor. My cousin said imagine a situation where you get home from work and you’re damn tired, and your wife puts your feet up, and brings you your hot meal and a chilled glass of water. Then when you’re done, she brings you water to wash your hands and says, ‘me wura, is there anything else you need?’ That’s bliss. And of course they said someone like me wouldn’t do that. I’m definitely not calling any man ‘me wura’ so I’m sorry if that is a pre-requisite. But I think showing love and appreciation for a man takes different forms. I may not serve him in the exact way my cousin described it, but I will ensure that his needs are met to the best of my ability. Why not? But they argued that most women have lost the value of appreciation, simple basic ways of showing a man you care. They gave an example of a girl who cooked banku and okro for her man because he’d just completed a very grueling exam. I was impressed though. I have to admit that. Women may hate me for this, but I think they have a point somewhere, a little point. Career-minded women may be losing sight of the little ways to make someone content and happy. The little gestures of appreciation go a long way. It’s like the work environment. In a recession particularly, it’s not all about monetary rewards. Managers can show their appreciation for their employees through little things, pizza/beer night, thank you written on post-its, birthday cards, etc. Likewise, no matter how hard you’re working in that corporate job, both men and women need to remember the little things. Another interesting thing they said was, what changed the game is when women started to move in packs. That just destroyed men totally. When women roll in packs, two things can happen. If two of them in the group don’t like you, you don’t stand a chance with the one you want. If they like you, you can have the one you want, plus an additional one or two. Hilarious, and true, you have to admit.

So far, it seems what I’m getting today is an education in life, love and relationships. But enough talk, I needed to de-stress, and not think too much. The old flame and I said bye and arranged to meet tomorrow. He called me his girl, that was sweet. Perhaps I should quit the quest now! But not yet, I need MACYS, I really do. After the heavy conversations, I went to East Legon to visit a couple of friends that I knew wouldn’t get on the deep bandwagon. It was exactly what I needed. I got my mind temporarily off the quest and just had a relatively good time.

The night was still fairly young when I left East Legon, so I went to pick up my cousin from home and we went to Bella Roma. BR was closed. That was disappointing. And everything else in Osu was closed, at 11pm. Don’t people drink and eat on Sundays? We went to a little Italian icecream joint a few metres past Papaye. My cousin had arranged with the owner to sell my books at his café, so we stopped by to say hello. One of the girls at the cafe had a copy of the book. She brought it out and I signed it for her. That was really random but very nice. I think signing my book for a total stranger was one of the best parts of my day, honestly. I told the owner I’d bring copies and fliers to the café tomorrow. I can’t remember the name of the place now, but I’ll post it on the blog as soon as I take the books. I know Silverbird isn’t very convenient, so I’m working on getting the books into more locations.

My cousin asked if I was going to blog as I was heading up to bed, and I said yes, but it’s been a lazy, slow day. And he said that’s all part of the experience. I like that – that’s all part of the experience, the excitement of hand-holding one day and the safety and security of old friends and loved ones another day. C’est la vie!

In the wake of the devastating Haiti crisis, two things are starkly clear. People are ready, willing and able to give, and others, don’t believe in extending a hand unless they’ve taken care of their own fully.

Here’re a few comments I copied from People.com:

“How about we take care of America and the Americans’?? Why isn’t New Orleans re-built yet? Why is there so many homeless people in our own country? It’s time we start taking care of ourselves. People need to stop being obsessed with movie stars, athletes and find a hero in your own family. There is a whole lot of good American people that need jobs but yet the big companies keep exporting jobs. I just love that millionaires have to donate their time to raise money instaed of just cutting a check and going about the day. But they need to keep their name in the news or they won’t land the next multimillion dollar movie. I long for the days’ of yesterday and miss the good old USA.” – Rick

“LETS HOPE SOME OF THOSE VERY WEALTHY FILTHY RICH SUPERSTARS DONATED MORE THE JUST THEIR TIME BECAUSE THEY GOT MORE MONEY THAN THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH AND I AM FLAT BROKE TRYING TO KEEP A ROOF OVER MY OWN HEAD (AND MY FAMILY’S) I WOULD DONATE IF I COULD!” – Yvonne

“Fighting over food!!!!!!!! I know 100 people that are homeless and would give there last breath for food. Take the contributions and sink it back into our home land. Ever see a homeless person suffer and die? I worked EMS for 15 years.  Seen it ,and it’s sad!!!  Evenly distribute the food, funds, and LOVE.  We have people fighting to SURVIVE in our “Beautiful Country”. Millions of dollars going out to other places……….What about our HOMELAND!!!!! Donate a dollar to a homeless person…Donate a dollar to the abused…….Donate a dollar to the needy…… I put a $10.00 charge on my cell phone bill….. Where did it go?” – Harry Loomis

There’re tons of comments like these floating around the web. What happened to the art of giving, because there is someone in need? Have we become so cynical and so jaded that our initial reactions are, ‘I must take care of my own first?’

The lives we have are gifts. The air we breathe is a gift. When we wake up, our eyelids flutter open, and we stare at the ceiling above our heads, that’s a gift. It’s a blessing that the roof over our heads did not cave in. It’s a blessing that our hearts didn’t stop beating in the middle of the night. Each breath we take is a gift. So it’s not about the dollars and cents in your wallet, purse or bank account, it’s about that intangible stream of life flowing through you. It is worth more than anything money can buy.

If the people of Haiti could chose between $50 million and a 7.0 earthquake, I think they’d chose life. The money you send, it can’t bring back the dead, it can only help ensure a few more of their people can wake up in the morning and try again.

Taking care of people, the suffering, should be an ongoing thing. Each country must take care of its own people, ensure their safety and wellbeing. I don’t doubt that. But I find nothing wrong with helping others as you continue to help your own. It’s our duty as human beings.

Maybe it’s just me, but I find that ‘inner looking’ talk and complaining disturbing. What really happened to the art of giving and all those parables and stories of how God rewards those who give? When someone knocks on your door and you only have one slice of bread, and you know if you give it, you will go to bed hungry, what do you do? You give it. Simple, because in the morning, you shall receive, one way or the other, you will make it. When and why did we forget how to give?

I think we’ve lost the art of giving because we have lost faith. It is by faith alone that we are who we are. Did we forget how to trust in God? Did we forget how to rely on Him for everything? When and how did we become so inward looking? What happened to sacrificing? Are the lessons of faith, giving and trust becoming like subjects we learn in grade school? Half of us never use it. But you know what, in a heartbeat you’d use that dollar to buy something else. We act like we’re poor misers, but most often we aren’t.

We must stop rating our suffering against others, and just find a way to do both. Statements like ‘but me, what do I have, that I should give some to someone’ don’t help. Let’s stop rating our pain and our wealth. Who’s the poorer country? Who’s in greater need? Who’s more deserving?

God sacrificed his son, his flesh and blood for us. Jesus Christ gave up his life, for us. Gave it up, sacrificed it, allowed nails to be hammered into him, for us. If you can’t give up your only slice of bread for someone at your door, what does that mean? What does that say to God who gave you a whole lot more?

We need to have faith again. We just need to. We need to have faith that God will provide. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow brings another opportunity to make that dollar that you just donated. Others don’t have tomorrow. We do. And as long as we believe and trust in God, he will give you what you have given and more.

Let’s give, sincerely. Let’s give without calculating how that will set us back. Let’s give without thinking, ‘well my people need this more’. We can do both. We can help our own and help others. Because in the end, we have something that is more precious than what is in our bank accounts or in our wallet or purse or fridge. We have LIFE. What is more precious? Really?