Over the last few months, I’ve had quite a number of friends and relatives tell me they met their significant others on Facebook. Each time someone says that, I pause and wonder; Facebook? How does anyone meet someone worthwhile on Facebook? How does it happen? A stranger sends someone a message and then they reply and go from there? Is it through commenting on mutual friends’ pages? Is it through Facebook groups? I’ve never understood this Facebook dating concept mainly because I can’t picture how it happens.
I can’t imagine building a friendship or even a relationship with someone I don’t know on Facebook. And that’s also because of the kinds of messages and solicitations I get. They are just plain hilarious (see sample below). Each time I read one of these messages, I wonder, does this guy really think I am going to reply, or call? As he typed those words and hit send, did he really, truly expect that I’d smile and go, aww how sweet?  So far, the messages I get have just been comic relief – makes me laugh every now and then.

I saw Catfish (one of the best movies of 2011) a little over a month ago and it was jarring. In this movie, a photographer starts a Facebook friendship with a young talented painter and her family – her older sexy sister, her equally sexy mother and even her brother and a whole host of other friends. I don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone, but if you’ve seen Catfish then you know that Facebook relationships with strangers can be intriguing and exciting but also scary and troubling. Between Catfish and the random guys who send me messages, I really can’t picture how people find love and lasting relationships on Facebook. How does it happen? What am I missing? Am I just not attracting the right kinds?

Despite my own hesitation, Facebook relationships are growing. Facebook dating isn’t as structured and purposeful as online dating sites such as eharmony and match.com but its growing pretty fast and some professional matchmatchers and relationship gurus claim in less 10 years Facebook may be the go-to site for dating. I’m a skeptic – big time, but I am also open to learning and understanding what this new trend is all about. And since I have close to 4000 “friends” on Facebook I wonder if my guy is somewhere on my friends list. Right now, I doubt it because so far the messages I get are kinda lame (no offense to anyone). So people help me out. If you’re in a relationship which started on Facebook, please share your story. I am honestly very curious. For those I personally know, all they say is they met on Facebook but they’ve never elaborated how it all started to me. I heard about the latest one last week which is why I’ve decided to come out of my blogging hiatus and write this post. I really want to know, because I have no good examples to think of. As always, you can use a fake name to share your story, but do share. Make a believer out of me .

I’ve also decided to post a select few of my messages here. I think my favorite from the list below is ” text your number and get linked up … its important dunt doubt obey.” Obey! Hysterical! For real??  If your message is on here – don’t be offended, think of it as feedback. You honestly need to rethink your strategy. I get about one of these a week, and I end up deleting most of them. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll get one message that will truly knock me off my feet. Until then, I’ll just keep chuckling.

My last post in 2010 was ‘What I wish I knew when I was younger’ and my first post this year was ‘Setting SMART goals.’

Six months later, I think it’s now time to assess our progress and take stock of where we are and where we want to be. Beyond the fact that mid-year is a good time to pause and think about all the wonderful goals we set in January, a couple of other factors prompted this blog. The first is a blog post my dear friend Afua (all regulars to this blog know Afua by now – my friend who sends me thought provoking links and blogs) emailed me last week – Regrets of the Dying by Bonnie Ware, a palliative care practioner who works with people who have gone home to die. I hate regrets – the thought of ever getting to some point, and regretting the life I’ve lived, what I did or didn’t do, what I said or didn’t say kills me. Maybe that’s why I am all about open communication and that’s definitely why my two favorite blogs out of all the stuff I’ve written are Dream It. Believe It. Achieve It. and You Can Do It.  

As much as I’m all for pursuing your goals and dreams, something hit me last week when I read the ‘Regrets of the Dying’ blog. It’s damn tough to stay on track. Talk is one thing for sure, but actually doing something? That’s a whole different beast. What makes actually following through on your dreams and goals even harder is if you don’t pause, re-evaluate and take stock of where you’re headed. It’s pretty easy to just keep going – to just wake up, go through the day, work or do whatever you do, end the day, and repeat the cycle. Nothing new, nothing different, nothing changes. Yet we may have lists posted on our refrigerators or in our diaries that we haven’t glanced at in months.

So, let’s have a mid-year check in, shall we? Read the piece below and I hope it motivates you to get back on track. It’d be a shame to be dying and regret everything you did or didn’t do. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Regrets of the Dying

By Bonnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

[If you haven’t read my book CIRCLES yet, you can purchase it here.

It’s 12:15am and I can’t sleep just yet. There are way too many questions burning in my mind. I just had a lengthy conversation/debate with some friends, and the aftermath of that is still lingering: To call or not to call?

When a relationship ends on a bad note, and time passes without a word spoken between the two, at what point is it okay for either one to call? (Let’s be honest, I really mean at what point is it okay for the girl to call?) One person said tonight that it’s tough to say unless you have all the details and specifics of the relationship or the situation that ended it all. So, since I can’t share someone’s details here, I’m going to broaden the topic to ‘closure.’

I’ve been pretty curious about closure for a while – way before the whole debate happened tonight. I’m a big proponent of dialogue and open communication. It’s my principle. You have to talk. If you have something to say, say it. Of course, think about how you say it, but say it nonetheless. I really don’t like it when people bottle things inside and it festers and becomes a whole other beast. I just don’t like things to be unspoken, to be left unsaid. Information is power. People make decisions each day based completely on the information available to them. If they don’t have the whole picture, it absolutely influences the decisions they make. To me, besides religion, communication is the strongest foundation any relationship can have – be it a platonic or intimate one. And I think even when the relationship ends, there should be nothing left unsaid – nothing left to speculation. Maybe that’s a tall order, I don’t know, but don’t they say assumption is the mother of all eff ups.

I believe in saying what you need to say, and leaving nothing to be assumed later. So maybe technically, I believe in closure. I think closure is a way to confirm or validate how you felt during the relationship and acknowledging that it didn’t work through no specific personal fault of yours. Closure is really meant to ensure that you’re both on the same page or close enough to the same page. It’s more a woman’s way of seeking that final confirmation that yes, she meant something, for a while she definitely meant something. A woman doesn’t want to walk away feeling like there was really no love, feeling like the guy never cared, that she never mattered. Women can’t afford to second guess how it really was for the guy. We need certainty – certainty that he remembers what you meant to each other.

However, is closure really a cop out for clinging onto a relationship or onto someone you’re not ready to let go? Is closure a ‘female excuse’ to stay connected and get answers that you may already have? I think sometimes the need for closure also arises when it’s obvious something is unsaid. Some guys break up with you and use the lamest excuses ever, and you ponder for days, weeks or months on what the eff happened? Sometimes, guys also just throw a curveball and leave you hanging when you thought it was all dandy, and it just takes you a moment to react. Not all people are able to immediately react and demand a resolution or answers. So if time has passed, and you’re genuinely over this person, is it okay to seek some sort of closure?

There are those who think if you’re really over the person, then closure isn’t necessary. You just move on and let it go. I get that philosophy to a great extent. I will admit that seeking answers hasn’t always worked out, but I tell myself (and this may be a lie I feed myself) that my conscience is clear and I AT LEAST made the attempt to clear the air.

There are also others who believe you can’t give someone closure, you can only give closure to yourself. This sounds pretty cheesy, like something written on a fortune cookie. It sounds all soulful and spiritual, but how true or practical is it? I do agree there is work that you need to do yourself to move on. There are definitely things you will need to deal with on your own. But does that mean that all the answers and resolution you need lie within you?

There are others who also believe closure is a never ending and impossible concept for a number of reasons. For one, whatever lie the person told you at the end of the relationship can be the same lie they repeat when you insist you need closure. Does that mean that when it’s said twice, you will then believe it’s true and accept that that was the reason that ended it? Does what someone says to you really give you the peace you need? What if they are lying again? What is they spin you some BS because you simply won’t let it go? Seeking closure isn’t a fool proof action and there are no guarantees.

There are also those who say closure is a woman’s excuse for wanting to do something stupid, for instance, writing, calling or ambushing a guy. And once the closure conversation takes place, they still want more answers. They always want more answers.

Then there are some (interesting theory) that closure sometimes ends up as ‘one for the road’ – what the women (or guys) really want is one last final roll in the hay, the closure sex.

So then – should we or should we not seek closure?

It all depends. That sounds like another cop out but that’s the truth. It depends on the type of relationship you had and the level of investment you put in. Casual dating for a few months may not warrant that urge to get answers, but you may obsess more over a relationship that you cherished and valued. It also depends on the reason the guy or the girl gives for calling it quits. Some reasons are super lame and just don’t make any sense. If that’s the case, yeah you may want to understand what is going on. It also depends on the relationship you have after it ended. If somehow you manage to stay friends, your need for closure may be less than if you go from intimacy to complete strangers and you really don’t understand why. It also depends on what actions the other person takes after it ends. If the guy starts dating someone you sort of suspected while you were together, then you may start feeling an urge to get some answers. If the guy starts to talk about you in a negative (or even positive way), you may start to feel there are things left unsaid that needs to be dealt with. Last, it also depends on if you were the one who said hateful things and left those biting (and maybe untrue) words stuck in someone’s minds. Sometimes you say things you don’t mean during an argument or a bad moment. The recipient of your tirade moves on, but you’re stuck in limbo thinking about what you said over and over, wishing you had handled things differently. In cases like that, yes you may need closure, or maybe its more like forgiveness.

As much as it all depends, there is one fundamental thing that precedes the need for closure – communication. The one line that irks me most in movies, books or real life stories is ‘why didn’t you tell me? I loved you too. I just needed a sign from you.’ Are you effing kidding me? I am really not diverging from the topic of closure; I am just going back full circle to the concept of communication.

If two people have strong, open communication during, at the end, and after a relationship, then the need for closure becomes far less. It is really all about communication. If you are truly honest with each other from the get-go, through-out the relationship, then the end and the aftermath shouldn’t shock anyone. Unfortunately we are all terrible communicators – that is a whole other blog – because we are really selfish and it’s all about preserving our pride. Honesty is bloody scary. Honesty is deep and heavy and no one wants to deal with it, not while you’re in the relationship and not when it’s over either. We just can’t tell the truth to each other. We’re afraid we’ll be rejected, ridiculed, embarrassed, etc. Those are genuine concerns but I feel something far greater is lost when two people just can’t tell each other truly how they feel.

To call or not call? To seek closure or to let go for good? I really don’t know the answer to that. All I can say is I’m the type of person who needs to say how she feels when she feels it. I don’t want to be old, bitter and second guessing everything, wondering if I should have said something at this time or that time. That will kill me. Although to be fair, there are a couple of people I owe long overdue conversations, I go to bed 80% of the time feeling I have said what needs to be said. Yes, I do agonize deeply over those I haven’t really had a chance to have that tete a tete with, but I know I will soon enough.

Are you at peace? Do you need closure? Do you really really? Then talk to the person. If not, find someway to make peace with yourself. Bottom line, start with whatever relationship you are in now, be honest from day one. No matter the type of relationship it is, be open and honest. Whether you are a guy or girl, we all really need to talk – really talk. So, if there is someone you need to be honest with, about something that happened, or how you feel, go for it. What do you have to lose? A little pride, yeah, but you could gain so much more.

A friend recently asked me to blog about something very simple but so very true – girls who assume they are your best friend or you are their best friend, when it’s not quite true or you don’t feel the same way.

BFF – best friends forever. I think Paris Hilton coined this term but I am not sure though. I just remember her as one of the early people who started throwing the term about (in relation to Nicole Richie).

Women like to belong, we like to be part of someone. We just like to feel special. We like to feel that we have a unique bond with someone. Whether it is a romantic relationship or a friendship, we like to know or feel that to one person, we’re not like everyone else, we’re more, much more. It’s innate to us. We want the title! There are big titles we typically strive for and spend most of our lives obsessing over: WIFE, MOTHER, and GIRLFRIEND. But there is another title that may not be as critical, but we want all the same, and that can often bring the same level of confusion, hurt and drama: BEST FRIEND.

Best friend is a heavy title, a big title and I think some people just don’t see how important it is. It’s like how some people ‘just want to get married’ without thinking too deeply about what that means, and the expectations and responsibility that comes with that. Some people simply want to belong or feel special without acting according to the title they crave so much.

As such I think there are some basic misconceptions about what a best friend is.

1. A best friend isn’t just someone you talk to a lot. Frequency of communication doesn’t make you a best friend. Some girls tend to quickly label someone their best friend because they talk every day.
2. Frequency of time spent together also isn’t a definite for best friend status. Just because you’ve seen someone five times in one week doesn’t make them your absolute bestie.
3. A best friend also isn’t just someone you’ve known since you were a child. Some people assume that someone they’ve known and been friends with since they were in diapers is automatically their best friend.
4. A best friend isn’t just someone you tell your deepest darkest secret to. We sometimes feel like since we’ve shared some inner most secret with someone, they are our bestest friend. Great, you shared a secret with me, I appreciate that you trust me, but it doesn’t make you my best friend.
5. A best friend also isn’t someone that you have a lot in common with and start to hang out with. This happens so often – you meet someone relatively new, and because of your changed social circle, you start to talk to someone more, hang out, club together, gossip together, and then a few weeks or months into the social whirlwind you start to think of them as your best friend. Your ‘clubbing partner’ isn’t necessarily your best friend.

So I have said what a best friend automatically isn’t. And that is the key word – automatic – frequency of conversation, length of friendship, secret sharing and social compatibility doesn’t AUTOMATICALLY make someone your best friend.

So what makes someone your best friend?

In my opinion, it’s all about behaviors and shared expectations.

1. Behaviors: If you google ‘best friend behaviors or qualities’ you’ll find a whole list of behaviors, including:

• Trustworthy – someone you trust completely and fully with your inner most thoughts and ideas
• Reliable – someone you can always depend on no matter what
• Respectful – someone who respects you for the person you are and the person you are striving to be
• Supportive – someone who is fully supportive of your dreams and ambitions
• Loving – I think the biggest of these is LOVE, someone who really loves you, sincerely and genuinely loves you

2. Shared expectations: As much as the behaviors are important, having a common understanding and set of expectations is even more critical. Basically, you need to be on the same page. Sometimes friends do hurtful things to each other, and one of the most frequent excuses is – we were not that close anyways. Really? And other times, a best friend hooks up with your man, and their excuse is – but I thought you were over him, or, I thought you guys weren’t official. That is the problem. In your mind, you may have a set of behaviors that you regard as important for true friendship, but it doesn’t mean the person you call your best friend shares the same mentality. You may expect that your best friend will never, ever date your ‘man’ even if it is someone you simply crushed on; but your best friend may think a crush is fair game.

You need to share similar ideals, values and principles; and you need to place the same level of importance to those behaviors you treasure. This isn’t a prescriptive process of sitting down and listing behaviors and validating them together. If you are truly open and honest (and I mean truly) with your best friend, these are behaviors you will discuss on a regular basis.

Just as a girl needs to clarify the status of her romantic relationship, i.e. confirm if it is official and if she has the title, I think it doesn’t hurt for girls to confirm the status of their friendships. It’s a weird thing to clarify, I know. Do you just call the person you regard as your bestie and say – hey I think of you as my best friend, do you feel the same?  Most likely, they will say yeah, kinda, even if it is not true. At that point, keep probing, keep checking, and don’t stop asking. No matter how awkward the conversation is, if you’re going to call someone your best friend, be sure they consider you the same. Do a status check.

Titles are nice. It’s sweet to know you have a very special relationship with someone, but the relationship really shouldn’t be forced. The same way I don’t believe in getting married for marriage sake, I don’t believe in assigning titles for titles sake. Based on my tumultuous past experience with friends, I decided a while ago not to assign the ‘best friend’ title to anyone. Maybe it’s an age thing, maybe not. I feel I have reached a point in my life where the quality of the relationship is much more important than mere titles.

And to be honest, you can have great quality friendships without necessarily having a best friend. It really isn’t a must that we have ‘best friends forever.’

I’ve done this type of blog before – but at the urging of a couple of people, I’ve decided to write another ‘be true to who you truly are’ piece. I guess people need frequent reminders.

There are so many articles that offer reasons why being true is so important - all self help specialists tout this; preachers make this the foundation of their sermons; and everyone insists this is the way to happiness. According to a recent study published in the journal of Personality and Individual Differences ‘ when you’re true to yourself, better romantic relationships will follow.’ Is any of that really new? I think the issue is not the ‘importance’ of being true to ourselves -that message has been beaten senseless. The bigger issue is ‘why the frigg can’t we do it?’ Because to be honest, most of us fail miserably – some in big ways and others in small ways that we ignore but still count all the same.

So why do most of us still struggle to stay true to our natures and our characters?

I have two theories:

1. The existence of labels: Labels will really be the death of us, seriously. They plague us from the minute we’re born to the day we die. And I mean all kinds of labels – labels assigned to our looks, intelligence, character, life, faith, family, etc. Words like pretty, ugly, smart, challenged, stupid, boring, interesting, generous, stingy, kind, mean, honest, sincere, liar, deceitful, etc. There isn’t any aspect of our existence that isn’t labeled. Whether we like it or not, we assign labels and we have labels assigned to us. And for most of us, we naturally want to avoid the negative labels, even if those labels completely characterize who we truly are. You’d have to be a hardened sociopath not to care a little about labels. Only 1% of the world’s population is sociopathic so that means most of us care, a lot. And it’s funny how this ‘caring’ manifests itself – you have people on Facebook trying hard to sound smart so they Google quotes and post them (and some don’t even understand the quotes); sometimes people literally force themselves to go to Church every Sunday because they crave to be called religious; some people bite down hard on their tongues as they pick up the tab at a group outing because they want be seen as generous; others spend every last dime they have on clothes because they want to be stylish; and others pretend to be neat freaks when truthfully, they are plain slobs. The list of examples is endless. We are on edge all the time – conscious or unconsciously we are all victim to desiring positive labels. Let me use myself as an example. I took to Twitter slowly because I just didn’t get it. It seemed mindless and silly to me. So for months, I’d only post when I updated my blog. Eventually, I started tweeting about tidbits that I felt reflected my commentary on life. Eventually, it became a burden. I’m watching Hawaii Five-O and I want to tweet how super hot McGarret is, but I stop myself because I don’t want to tweet mindless things like everyone else. A couple of weeks ago, a blogger I regard as a ‘conscious’ blogger, tweeted about being hungry. I was stunned and I quickly replied and said I thought he was better than that. Right there, I assigned a label. I expected him to stay conscious. Honestly, if there were no labels, we’d be happier people.
2. Reputation: “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are”. If labels restrict us, then reputations cripple us. Labels are almost temporary, but reputations are permanent. You can be mean today, kind the next, but a reputation is something you can’t take off and put on whenever you want. It is hard to recover from a bad reputation – near impossible even, and that is the crux of it all. This is what truly keeps us from being true to ourselves – reputations. Your true nature on the other hand is about what you do and think privately. It is a quality at the very center of your being. Unfortunately (and one blog won’t change this), in the battle between private intentions and public reputation, public wins all the time, hands down. This may sound overly dramatic, but you know when you watch movies and someone is caught stealing, and to protect the theft they kill someone who stumbles on them? I had a tough time understanding this growing up. So because you’re afraid to go to jail for theft, you commit murder? Which crime is worse? It’s almost the same in the war between your true inner nature and your public reputation. For most people, it is best to continue to lie than to have the truth be told. Sometimes the reputations we are trying hard to protect are ideals that were ingrained at birth. And sometimes it’s from the society we live in or grew up in. Whatever the case may be, we must continue to lie to protect the images we’ve built – at all costs.

Labels, reputations, all of that, none of that will change. For as long as we live and breathe, most, if not all of us will struggle with this. So what’s the antidote? I have a couple of suggestions.

1. The most important thing is to admit openly that you are a work in progress. You might think this is simple? It really isn’t. Oh yeah some people may say, oh I know I am not perfect, but it is just words. They still continue to pretend. To say you’re not perfect is very different from living in a way that shows you own and acknowledge all the imperfections that exist. You have to truly mean what you say. Take a look inside you, and acknowledge what you consider to the center of your nature, good or bad, just acknowledge it. I’ve noticed on my blog that most people who comment, always want to come across as ‘good’ – oh I never do this, of course I don’t pretend to be someone different, I appreciate myself, ya da ya da ya da. Whatever you say dear.
2.  The second antidote is talk to someone. Another seemingly simple activity, but not really. Yes, we share stuff with our friends, but I’d bet most of your close friends don’t really know you. You talk, but you don’t really talk. Start with a shrink maybe, because yes, friends can betray your confidence. Whoever it may be, you need to talk, you need to share, you need to open up, and that is the only way you will be able to win the battle – a little.

My close friends know I ABHOR people who live a lie, people who pretend to be something they are not, and people are obviously weighed down by the turmoil that rages in their soul. Not to be self-righteous, but for all my flaws and issues, I strive to be me, above all else. It doesn’t mean I don’t falter. But I am the first to lay those flaws flat on a table.

Check out this article (very interesting): Hypocrisy Rooted in High Morals 

What are your thoughts? Why do we continue to pretend to be people we’re not? And what can we do about it?

Tyler Perry has another Madea movie opening this week – which of course has started a storm of criticism and bashing. Instead of promoting his movie, Tyler has spent most of this week defending his movies and his skills. Personally I don’t feel sorry for TP. I’m really surprised that he even did another Madea. They’re all a blur in my mind right now. I have big issues with Tyler Perry – especially since just 5 years ago, I was a huge, huge fan. Obviously, a lot can change in 5 years.

Before I dive into my ‘Why Tyler Perry needs to go to directing, acting and writing school’, see below for an email he sent to his fan club (which I joined 5 years ago).

Email sent to TP fan base:

You know I don’t dwell in negativity. I try and stay above it, but I wanted to say this to you. You and I both know that there are folks out there that work overtime trying to keep people from seeing my movies. Even though I don’t say anything, it doesn’t mean that I’m not aware of it. They say all kinds of things about the films, Madea and me. They call me everything, but a child of God. I even had someone tell me in a press conference that I don’t have a “white” following. We all know that is not true. Had they been on tour with me they would know White folks, Black folks, Asian folks, Latin folks, Navajo folks, and everyone in between was there laughing side-by-side having a good time. It’s crazy the things people print without any facts. What is also interesting is how hard they work to try and discourage you from going to see my films, as if you don’t know what you enjoy. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about! But it’s okay, you know why? Because I know that they don’t get it! They don’t get the spiritual side of this, they don’t get the folks that not only laugh, but also get something out of it that they can use to make their lives better. They don’t get that this is about more than making a movie and telling a funny story. They don’t get that it’s about uplifting and encouraging the soul. They don’t get that most of you have been with me long before they knew who I was, and they don’t get that you have my back. And to tell you the truth, it doesn’t matter if they get it or not, as long as you do. I thank God for you every day. You know what you enjoy, you know what makes you laugh and gives you a bit of uplift after you’ve seen it. So come laugh with me this weekend with Madea. MADEA’S BIG HAPPY FAMILY opens in theaters this Friday. You know how important the first weekend is, so I sure hope you are planning to go out and see it. I promise you, MADEA’S BIG HAPPY FAMILY is funnier than the mall. You will laugh ‘till you hurt, so take some aspirin to the movies with you. THIS LINE IS FROM MADEA (say it in your best Madea voice) “All y’all that squirt a lil pee when you laugh, be careful!” ….LOL I’ll be on the message board all weekend waiting to hear from you. ALSO, BIG NOTE HERE!!!! WEDNESDAY, April 20th, from 1:30 until 2:00pm Eastern, I will be taking your questions live at this link http://tylerperry.com/live. I want to talk about HOUSE OF PAYNE and Madea. Who knows, she may even take your questions. See you live Wednesday!

I don’t doubt that Tyler Perry is talented – my biggest issue of all, is that TP isn’t giving us 100%. After this long in the business, after the great success he’s had, and all the money he’s accrued, I expected that he would have elevated his movie making to a level that is worth our time and his talents. Instead, Tyler is stuck permanently in his comfort zone. As soon as he does something that seems to work, he repeats it over and over again. There is no indication Tyler Perry has grown in the last 5-8 years. Frankly, his first Madea remains his best and the rest are just copycat jokes that should never have hit the big screen.

And Tyler’s biggest excuse is this – you know what you enjoy, you know what makes you laugh and gives you a bit of uplift after you’ve seen it. Tyler Perry has a die-hard following, and instead of giving them the best quality production he could ever give them, he says – you know what you want, this is what you want, this is what I continue to give you. Has he heard of ‘good, better, best’? Just because I laughed hard before, doesn’t mean you can’t make me laugh harder with a movie that isn’t filmed on a cardboard set (I can do bad all by myself). I just don’t get Tyler and it makes me suspect that he’s an opportunist. He makes millions year after year and his movies still have the look and feel of a newbie film student.

Let’s take a look at some of the great black movie directors and the work they’ve done.

1. Spike Lee: Jungle Fever, Get on the Bus, Clockers, Malcom X, Inside Man, Do The Right Thing, Miracle at St. Anna
2. John Singleton: Boys in the Hood, Poetic Justice, Higher Learning, Baby Boy, Four Brothers, 2 Fast 2 Furious
3. The Hughes Brothers: Dead Presidents, Menace to Society, From Hell, The Book of Eli
4. Antoine Fuqua: Tears of the Sun, Shooter, King Arthur, Training Day
5. Lee Daniels: Precious (need I say more?), and he produced Monster’s Ball
6. F. Gary Gray: The Italian Job (yes, a black dude directed that), The Negotiator, A Man Apart, Set it Off, Law Abiding Citizen

Tell me, how does Tyler Perry rank against these giants? Everyone gives Tyler Perry a hall pass for his mediocrity. We make excuses for him – we say that’s his niche, he doesn’t have to be like Singleton and Spike Lee. Comedy is his thing. People, comedy doesn’t have to be that bad. Whatever it is that you want to do, whatever genre it may be, you can give 100% especially when you have the time and resources to do it. With what Tyler Perry has at his disposal, he could do so much more. So what really is the issue? He doesn’t have the talent to pull it off? He doesn’t care? Are his fans enabling him to the point of laziness? Or as long as he’s making a buck, he will never change? If it’s the latter, I promise him that the buck will ran out soon enough.

M. Night Shymalayan is brilliant. You can’t really doubt that. He’s an Oscar nominated director and writer - The 6^th Sense and Signs. M. Night is also a tad egotistical and is just unable to see his faults. (side note: there is a website up now that is trying to raise money to send M. Night back to NYU to learn more about movie making). Tyler Perry has the same issues as M. Night (the combo of writing, starring, directing and producing doesn’t seem to work very well for most). Instead of being self-reflective and listening to critique, Tyler Perry just wants to lump all critics together as negative haters who don’t get what the fans want. See below for what he said about Spike Lee at a press conference just yesterday (Wednesday, April 20^th, 2011)

“I’m so sick of hearing about damn Spike Lee,” Perry said during the press conference (via Box Office Magazine). “Spike can go straight to hell! You can print that. I am sick of him talking about me, I am sick of him saying, ‘this is a coon, this is a buffoon.’ I am sick of him talking about black people going to see movies. This is what he said: ‘you vote by what you see,’ as if black people don’t know what they want to see.”

For a man who claims he’s all about sprirituality, ‘go to hell’ isn’t very spiritual is it? Tyler Perry is just unable to admit that he could do better. And his success continues to blind him. It’s a really silly excuse that annoys me no end. Financial success aka box office numbers or even record sales don’t always equate artistry talent. Ask Eddie Murphy (he lost an Oscar he should have gotten because of the ill-conceived and poorly timed Norbit which overshadowed all the great movies he’s done).

Additional Criticisms

In September 2009, Jamilah Lemieux made remarks on National Public Radio. While thanking Tyler Perry for employing blacks in front of and behind the camera and for making work with humor and “positive messages about self-worth, love and respect,” she criticized him for making television shows “marked by old stereotypes of buffoonish, emasculated black men and crass, sassy black women.” She took him to task for his character of Madea saying that through this, “the country has laughed at one of the most important members of the black community: Mother Dear, the beloved matriarch. …Our mothers and grandmothers deserve much more than that.” She stated that she appreciated that he was dismissive of critics’ comments concerning his work, “but many black folks have expressed some of the very same attitudes about your work that white critics have.” She stated that blacks “have been fed the same images of ourselves over and over and over because they sell.” She felt that his success had been “mired with the worst black pathologies and stereotypes” and called on him to “stop dismissing the critics as haters and realize that black people need new stories and new storytellers.”

Lemieux’s criticism of Perry was cited and expanded upon by the author Tom Burrell in his 2010 book Brainwashed: Challenging the Myth of Black Inferiority. Burrell cited Perry’s 2008 film Meet the Browns as an example of when “we black people pull the trigger for our own image assassination.” Burrell also stated, “…it’s not entirely fair to expect Perry to chart a new course alone. His movies and TV shows would not be so successful if blacks didn’t have a raging appetite for messages and images that project us as dysfunctional or incompetent. Nothing that occurred during Amos ‘n’ Andy’s radio and television reign could match the words and actions of black comedies like Madea and The Browns. Our attraction to self-demeaning images came way before, and goes far beyond, Tyler Perry.” Burrell called for new images of blacks in entertainment and a new vision of black self-image.

Tyler Perry needs to stop with the excuses – NOW. He needs to take a close look at his film and TV portfolio and think really hard about what’s he’s putting out there. What message is he sending? He needs to quit hiding behind ‘my movies are spiritual and uplifting’ and be real with himself. The Secret Life of Bees is a brilliant uplifting movie, with excellent acting and high production quality. It didn’t make as much as any one of Tyler’s movies, but it’s better than all of them combined, AND it was uplifting. Uplifting, spiritual and funny SHOULD NOT equal ludicrous. That’s an absolute cop-out.

In my personal opinion, unless Tyler Perry changes the sub-par trend he’s on and matures into the director he’s capable of being, his name will never be on any list of Great Black Directors.

This is a controversial topic that a lot of people have strong opinions on. I’ve touched on the subject of ‘changing’ yourself slightly in a number of different blogs, but I want to address it again head on. So let’s begin.

Each blog of mine has some history – some conversation with a friend, or a movie, or just something that’s been on my mind. This one is no different. Last week, I posted the blog ‘How Do You Know’ and Leni raised the importance of physical attraction and friendship in a relationship. Why should anyone have to sacrifice one for the other? And then just on Friday, I had a lengthy, and I mean lengthy conversation with a friend (via What’s Up) about beauty, self modifications, being with people who like us the way we are, and how God made us just as we are, etc.

We are made in the likeness of God and so we are perfect just the way we are. Let me say this though – God also made Ted Bundy, didn’t he? God made Bundy, who was incredibly handsome, charming and cultured – traits he used to rape and murder numerous young women. I know this may seem like an extreme example but I want to start from the extreme. Before you begin to lynch me, my point is that God made every single human being on this planet, all 7 billion of us (world’s population is expected to hit 7 billion in 2011), but can we really say all 7 billion of us are perfect just the way we are, and no one, absolutely no one needs any modifications?

Here’s my take on it. Jesus Christ came and died for us, so that all who believe and have faith can have eternal life. Despite that, Christians still go to Church to nourish their souls and have fellowship with other believers. So the same way we need to work on our spiritual well-beings, is there anything wrong with working on or modifying your physical or social lives?

Physical Modifications

This is a dicey one – at what point is physical modification okay, and for what reason? People are very sensitive about looks and physical beauty, rightly so, and because of that we’re not very honest with ourselves or with others. When someone overweight expresses a concern for their weight, their friends usually brush it off and say you’re perfect just the way you are. When someone eerily skinny continues to deprive themselves of food, we don’t express any concern. When Monique lost a lot of weight, her fans called her a sell-out since she’d been screaming to anyone who’d listen that she loved herself just the way she was and she loved every single curve and fold. Then all of a sudden, she loses a lot of weight. Beyond health, one of the reasons she cited was that a producer told her losing weight would give her access to better movie roles. Is losing weight for a job such a bad thing? Depsite being an Oscar and Grammy winner, Jennifer Hudson struggled with her weight and the barriers it created. She’d always advocated that she loved her size 16 curves, and now she’s a size 4 or less. Was it wrong of her to change herself in order to get better movie roles and for others to take her more seriously? Even for her, success just wasn’t enough. It seems society has a list of reasons of when self modification is okay – and the number one acceptable reason is health, any other reason is deemed wrong, vain and an insult to the God who has made us so perfect. I don’t think it is that black and white.

Is it so wrong for a man or woman to change the way they look in order to improve their chances for finding a partner? I asked a friend of mine what he was doing on Sunday, and he said he’s going running because he needs to stay fit for the ladies. He added that, if it’s between a chubby pot-bellied guy and a slender guy, the slender guy usually wins, so he wants to be fit. Tell me, please, is that really a bad thing? I told him, good for you. Of course I believe everyone has a type and there is definitely someone out there who wants you just the way you are. But I also don’t find it so wrong if you want to look better, feel confident, and improve your chances and access to the people you want.

My thing is if you’re completely, totally fine with the way you are, honestly, good for you. But if you want to change a couple of things, for whatever reason, be it to give you a better chance to find a guy/girl, or to keep your current partner, I don’t think anyone should think of you as vain or misguided or that you don’t love yourself. I remember I wrote in the blog ‘To Be or Not To Be’ that maybe I should try wearing heels a little more. My cousin apparently thought I had sold out and she was really upset – she didn’t tell me till months later though. To her, it’s important I remain true to myself. To me, I am being true to myself, but I am also adapting to my environment. If I am to be true to myself, 100% true to myself, I would wear jeans to work every day, with slippers, with my hair in a ponytail, and let me not forget, it would be t-shirts only. However, I live in a world where there are rules and etiquette that you need to abide by IF you want to be a member of society. Should I quit my job because it’s not enabling me to be true to my personal dress code? Should I break up with a boy who doesn’t appreciate that I am in jeans and tees only, even when we attend functions? Honestly, if it were completely up to me, my life would be really different. I wouldn’t have spent the $125 I spent at the salon yesterday. If it were just up to me, I’d never wear heels again in my life! Oh by the way, two male cousins of mine once said – boots and heels are the best inventions ever. So of course, every now and then, I will wear heels. Women who wear make-up, tell me, if there were no men in this world, would you wear make-up as often as you do? I went to a dinner last weekend, and I had heels in the car, but I had slippers on. It was a dinner at a nice fancy restaurant, and I would have completely preferred to enter with slippers, but when we got there, my friend encouraged me to wear the heels. She said ‘it’s a dinner, and who knows you might meet some dashing Italian hunk.’ Translation – them slippers won’t get you a dashing man. I think there is nothing wrong with thinking or even saying something like that. Yet we all pretend that in life we must only do what is true to our hearts and our nature. For the most part yes, but all of us are guilty of conforming a little to the world we live in. You know you are.

The challenge is how far can a person go? Let me say I don’t believe in invasive alterations like plastic surgery, skin bleaching, and the like.

Character Modifications

This one is even dicier than physical modifications. People get really up in arms when anyone dares to suggest they change their behaviors or character a little. We cling onto our characters, good or bad, like a badge of honor – we say things like, listen I am who I am, take it or leave it. We also say things like, my personality has already been defined, you can’t change me. Let me throw a caveat here before anyone thinks I’m advocating that we change ourselves to please people. No, no, no. Nothing like that. Let me use myself as an example. I am very argumentative, seriously. I think it’s something I need to work on, particularly if I want to have healthy relationships with friends and loved ones. It doesn’t mean I am changing my personality, I am simply working on my communication style. So if there are elements of your character that hinders your relationships, friendships and work, is there anything wrong with changing it a bit? Is there anything wrong with working on your temper because it’s affecting your boyfriend or girlfriend? Is there anything wrong with getting help because you are surly, moody and argumentative and it’s turning people off? Should you just tell yourself you are perfect just the way you are and your personality is already set and defined?

I know who I am, I like who I am, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I have confidence in who I am. All the same, the same way I go to Church to take care of my fragile spiritual soul (I haven’t been to Church in months!), I believe in taking care of my physical and psychological well-being. And even if I decide I want to do it because it’s affecting my ability to meet people or connect, I don’t think that is so bad.

What do you think? What’s your opinion on self modifications – physical or character modifications?

I had a conversation with a friend recently that has me mulling me over something – how do you know? How do you know when someone is meant for you? How do you know that someone is the one you want to marry? How do you know that someone is the One? How do you make the decision that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?

Let me back up a little more and explain where all of this is coming from. A short while ago, I had a conversation with someone who asked me point blank, why he wasn’t the one for me. And my answer was, something was missing. His response then was, is something really missing, or it’s just my mind making me think something was missing. So I’m a psychology freak – and not just because I did psychology for my BA and MA. The mind is a beautiful thing and I sincerely believe we can never truly understand its true potential and capabilities (check out Limitless if you haven’t already). I believe in all kinds of things, trust me. So when he suggested maybe it was my mind, that completely threw me off. For days, I kept wondering, seriously, why not him? What is missing? What am I seeking? Will I really know when I find it? Will there be some absolutely clear  and indisputable sign? Has the One already appeared and I missed it?

A few days after my conversation with the blast from the past, I overheard one girl say to another, ‘I really believed he was the one I was going to marry. We were meant to be together.’ She really believed it – what made her so certain? This guy in question eventually cheated on her, with someone close to her (what’s new, huh) but before his indiscretion, she believed he was the one. What was it? Was she just ready to settle down? And he seemed sufficient? Was it love?

To compound my confusion further, a guy recently told me one of his best buddies is probably going to get married soon. This best buddy has been dating his girl for less than 6 months! How the heck can he be certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with her? When did he know? Did he know even before they started dating?

Before I started thinking about all of this so deeply, I figured love and intuition would show me the way. I figured I’d just know, but now I’m thinking maybe I can’t simply rely on intuition or gut reaction. My whole methodology has been thrown off kilter.

This whole state of confusion I am in reminds me of the movie ‘How do you know’ directed by James Brooks, starring Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson and Paul Rudd. It was a crappy movie and I thought Reese’s made the wrong choice. She made the most likely and predictable choice, which didn’t seem realistic to me. It is really not that predictable, is it?

I believe people make mistakes, all the time about their relationship choices, especially when it comes to marriage. Without a doubt, a lot of people make marriage or partner decisions based on ‘timing’ – the person happens to be around at the perfect time, when one or both have decided to settle down. Some make the decision based on some list, often a stereotypical list, based on traits that parents, society, pop culture or the Church have deemed ideal and appropriate. Someone comes along who fits the bill, so the decision is made. Others make the decision out of desperation and fear – fear of being alone. With others, it’s because they want to be taken care of, and provided for. Bottom line, the decision isn’t always about true, genuine, honest love, is it?

I’ve always told myself my own decision will be based on love and a deep connection to the other person. But will I really recognize the connection? Maybe it won’t be like a light bulb going off like I’ve been thinking. My decision-making is a little off kilter, so I apologize. I’m just second-guessing myself now. What if I have let genuine, honest to God potentials go because of this mentality I have that ‘I will just know.’

Will I really just know? That’s the million dollar question for me right now. A couple of years ago, I made a list – a list of people I’ve liked, had a crush on, loved, whatever, and tried to think if they proposed today, would I marry either one of them? Shockingly, as I went down the list, my answer was mainly no. My gut said no, something was missing from each ‘potential’, but I am not clear on what! Now, I am just wondering, maybe I should revisit that list with fresh eyes.

I think marriage should be forever. I think marriage is an important decision. I think people need to take it seriously, before they take that leap. Marriage is hard enough as it is, so you really need to be sure. And also, I think a lot of people stay in loveless and difficult marriages because they want to commit to their decision – not commit to the other person, but simply commit to the decision they made to be with that person, like it’s some sort of punishment they must bear. A lot of people ‘settle’ and I’ve said I don’t ever want to settle. but am I taking it way too seriously?  

I have too much work (professional and personal) on my plate to spend precious brain cells trying to figure things out. Should I keep trusting that I will miraculously know? Tell me how you knew – knew the girl or guy you’re with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Help a confused, cynical yet romantic writer out!

(To download and print the PDF version of the story below, click here: https://acrobat.com/#d=VIAftf8Q-eMQyDYv4vnlJA)

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

Short story by Boakyewaa Glover

Dani shifted from one foot to the other, and glanced at her watch. He was late. He was never late. And he knew she had very little patience for tardiness. She buttoned the upper two buttons of her thin coat and dug her hands deeper into the pockets. Her eyes never wavered from the huge double doors in front of her. She hated waiting at airports and there really wasn’t any use waiting outside. She wasn’t dressed appropriately  she didn’t expect it to be 45 degrees today. It was Spring for crying out loud. Where was he?

“Dani! Dani! Over here!”

Dani turned sharply to her left and she broke into a broad smile when she saw him. There was something about him that seemed different. Had he grown taller? Was he more built? What the heck was it?

“Abe! Gosh, I’ve missed you so much!”

Dani reached excitedly for him and he picked her 5’7’ body up easily. They hugged tightly.

“I’ve missed you too! Did you eat at all in China? You weigh nothing.”

He set her back down and they stared at each smiling.

“I’m the same, but you look different. There’s something different about you but I can’t figure out what.”

Abe smiled broadly and nodded his head.

“I do have a surprise announcement. It’s got nothing to do with my physical appearance though, but who knows, they say your emotions can be connected to your overall wellbeing.”

Dani stopped smiling and she frowned.

“What is it?”

“I’m seeing someone now. We just made it official a week ago. And I wanted to see you in person before I tell you. She’s so special, Dani. She’s perfect. She’s everything I have ever wanted. And I honestly haven’t been this happy before. I can’t wait for you to meet her. You’re definitely going to love her. She’s waiting for us in the car outside. We should get going before she gets a ticket or needs to circle back.”

Dani stood there, speechless and confused. What? What? She didn’t really hear all that he said. She was stuck on ‘I’m seeing someone now.’

“What?”

“I said she’s outside. We need to get going.”

Abe picked up the suitcase next to her and reached for the one hanging off her shoulder. She raised her hand and stepped back from him.

“You’re what? You’re seeing someone? I’ve been gone just two months and you couldn’t even tell me? Abe, I was in China not Mars! We talked at least once a week!”

Abe sighed and reached for her, but Dani stepped back.

“I know, I know. I wanted to tell you. It was always on the tip of my tongue but we always ended up talking about your trip, work, how tired you are, how excited you are about the opportunity and all of that. And then after a while, I just decided I’d wait for you to get back so you could meet her.”

“Oh so what, you’re saying I hogged the entire conversation all the time? We spoke about you too, Abe. We talked about Nate’s trifling ways and how you wish you could kick him out of the house. We talked about how you almost bought a dog to spite Nate, but you came to your senses. And we talked about your work too. You had every opportunity to tell me. And now you bring her to the airport to pick me up?”

Abe stared at her wordlessly and she stared back, her feelings of shock and confusion plastered all over her face. He looked around the waiting area, as if he was seeking a way out of his situation. Eventually he turned back to her.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Yes, I know I had the opportunity to. You’re my best friend. We tell each other everything. I should have mentioned it. She’s seriously the one, Dani, seriously. And even though this seems like it’s coming out of nowhere, I haven’t felt more certain about anything in my life. And I brought her here because I know you’re going to love her.”

Dani turned away from him briefly. She took deep breaths and tried to calm her beating heart. She looked up at him when she felt his hand on her face.

“You okay? Why are you so upset?” he asked softly.

“I’m fine. I’ve been on a plane for almost 14 hours. And even first class can’t completely cure fatigue. Let’s just go, okay?”

He nodded and they walked silently out into the cold. Dani spotted her the minute they got outside. She was standing next the driver’s side of Abe’s audi A8, scanning the area, obviously looking for them. Dani was stunned and her steps slowed. Abe was dating that? The girl standing next to the car looked like she’d just stepped off a Victoria’s Secret runway. She was at least 5’11’ if not 6’0’. Her incredibly slender body was sheathed in a dark green military-type jacket, tight black skinny jeans and knee high boots. Her long black hair was tied back loosely so Dani couldn’t help but notice her smooth chocolate skin and pearly whites. She was drop dead gorgeous.

“Hey! You must be Dani. I’m Rayne! It’s so nice to finally meet you. Abe talks about you all the time!”

Dani allowed herself to be hugged and a scent she recognized as Dior enveloped her. She still couldn’t speak.

“Oh you must be so tired. Here, let me help you with your purse. You’re traveling really light for such a long trip. No shopping? I went to Beijing with some friends two years ago and I think I came back with three suitcases!”

Rayne burst out laughing and Abe chuckled, but it sounded more like a nervous laugh. Dani forced a smile for their sakes.

“Yeah I’m really tired. I need my bed I guess.”

“Of course! Come on, let’s get you out of the cold and home to the warmth of your house. Abe and I went there earlier this afternoon to turn the heat on. It’s just so bad when you’re away for a very long time and you get back and your apartment feels like the North Pole. And it just takes forever to heat up.”

Dani nodded and touched her forehead. She sincerely felt a headache coming on. This was all too much. She crawled into the back seat and closed her eyes, feigning sleep. It was probably rude, but she wanted Rayne to stop talking. She wanted a moment to just breathe. She wasn’t so lucky. As the car pulled away, she could hear Rayne, telling Abe about how she sweet-talked a police officer out of forcing her away. Dani groaned inwardly. What sins had she committed to be subjected to this? Thankfully she lived only 10 minutes from the airport.

“Dani? You okay? Do you want us to stop by the pharmacy?”

Dani opened her eyes and looked at Abe. He looked worried but she knew he knew she was upset. She didn’t need the pharmacy. She wanted to sleep and smack him – not necessarily in that order.

“I’m fine. I think jetlag hits you more once you get off the plane.”

“Oh yes, plus its past 11pm here, so you must feel totally weird. We will get you home and in bed really soon,” Rayne chimed in.

Not soon enough, Dani thought.

Twelve minutes later, they pulled into her driveway, and Dani couldn’t be happier to be back. Rayne’s chattering continued as she and Abe got Dani’s stuff out of the car and into the home.

“I told Abe today how much I love your house! It’s so modern and chic. And he said you decorated it yourself. That is incredible. I love to decorate myself, but definitely nothing like this. And your little alcove upstairs, it’s so serene and homey. It’s a contrast to the rest of the house, but it’s perfect.”

Dani stared at Abe and then back at Rayne. Was this for real? Was he punking her?

“Thank you, Rayne. Sorry I’m so tired. Maybe I’ll give you a tour one of these days, hmmm?”

“Of course! Get some sleep. And honestly, it’s so good to finally meet you!” Rayne gushed as she hugged Dani tightly. Abe’s hug, on the other hand, was a little cautious.

“I’m really happy you’re back. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he whispered and kissed her cheek softly.

Dani closed the door behind them and walked slowly up to her master suite. She took her jacket off and entered the bathroom. She shook her head at her reflection. She looked like crap. She was wearing old grey track bottoms and her grad school t-shirt – her favorite ‘comfy’ travel clothes. Abe showed up with a model-like girl in knee high boots and here she was in track bottoms. Dani walked dejectedly back to her bed and dropped down on it like a sack. At least her house was definitely warm. She crawled underneath the covers and lay there staring at the ceiling. What now?

For some reason that I can’t begin to understand,

                I still miss you so very badly

Despite the time that has passed and the pain of our last parting,

                I still miss you more than words can possibly convey

I miss your laughter, God, I miss your deep, open laughter

                The sound of your voice, I never cherished before

Until it completed faded from my ear and my life

                I crave your touch, the roughness of it, and yet still so gentle

I miss our long, long conversations, spanning endless hours

               But somehow feeling like it’s only been minutes

Worse of all, I just miss the comforting thought,

                That you’re a part of my life, and always will be

**
Each joy I feel, my very first instinct is to share with you

                Each success I achieve, just feels so empty

Without you in my life to share it, dissect it and celebrate it

                Ours wasn’t even a perfect relationship, far from that

There was just so much pain and heartache involved

                Yet here I am, here I stand, weak and helpless

Missing you in a way that I would never wish on anyone

**

In the end, I do remember the cold emptiness I often felt,

                In your presence and around you

In the end, I can not lie to myself that I was always happy

                With you and around you

I’ve come this far, and as vulnerable as I am now

                As much as I miss you, God, I miss you

I must keep this gaping distance between us

                I must, for me, and for you, I must

Because in the end, missing you is really far better than hating you