The Tourist

The Tourist sucks. I should leave my review to just this simple statement since the movie didn’t bother to give me anything. I really don’t think it deserves any more sentences, but I’ll make a little extra effort and spell out why it sucks. Just don’t forget, the bottom line is, The Tourist sucks.

Now here’s why.

One – The pace. This movie is painfully, excruciatingly slow. It really shouldn’t be classified as a thriller because you’re never on edge or curious to know what’s coming next. The movie feels like it never really starts. It’s the same slow pace from beginning to end. It was agonizing. I felt like I was watching a TV show or TV movie – but I’m sorry, I’m insulting TV shows and movies by saying that. I watched Lifetime’s Marry Me last night and it was interesting – I kept wondering who she was going to marry. I was engaged. So scratch that, it wasn’t like watching a TV movie; it was more like watching paint dry. That analogy will have to do for now. You’re simply watching a series of activities that really don’t grab you and take you along. You’re basically just waiting for something to happen and believe me, it never does.

Two – Ms. Angelina Jolie. Forget the whole Brad Pitt thing, I’ve realized another reason why I struggle to watch Angelina these days – her emaciated frame. In SALT, critics lamented that Angelina’s skinny figure made the movie’s action scenes and stunts less believable. She was stick thin and she looked unhealthy. Angelina doesn’t look much better in The Tourist and I found it distracting. In one scene, on the train, her left hand was on the table, and all you see is one large boney hand with green popping veins. Those veins were huge! I hate to be mean here, but it was kind of disgusting. And I just felt like covering her popping collar bone – that jutting bone has to be a danger to herself and others around her. At one point, she is strutting (all she did was strut in this movie) into this building and her form just looked weird! I think the director sort of felt he couldn’t sell Angelina’s body as sexy either so he focused more on her face. I admit she has a striking face, but the rest of her is just not working anymore and it is completely distracting. It makes it hard to believe there is really any true chemistry between her and her co-star.

Three –Mr. Johnny Depp. I love Johnny Depp to death! I love him with every fiber in me. However, since George Clooney sorely disappointed me in The American, I’ve realized no one is above bad acting or bad movies. It’s disappointing though, when brilliant talented actors just don’t make an effort. I thought Johnny Depp was going to fall asleep right in the middle of some scene or dialogue. He looked bored out of his mind. He was so not ‘in’ the movie. He just plodded along and spewed nonsense and that was it. Johnny’s typical slovenly behavior usually works for me, but not this time. I wanted to yell at him and say, ‘Dude, wake up and stop mumbling! Act!’ If the actors don’t bother putting in effort, why do I bother watching? I’m just a sucker. Urgh!

Four – The stupid supposed twist at the end. I won’t give anything away but it was the most stupid ending I’ve seen in a while. In a desperate effort to appear ‘smart’, movies are just throwing in inexplicable curveballs and they think we’re gonna go ‘ahhhhh.’ Yeah, right. WTF is more likely. The Inception ending had everyone talking for weeks and months. The end of The Tourist is stupid, unbelievable and pure shit – pardon my French. Like I said, I probably should have left this review to just the opening statement.

The Tourist is one of the worst rated movies of the year. The critics are right this time. Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp in one movie and it’s just a waste of $11 and 2 hours. Avoid it.

Grade – F.