Tags
Related Posts
Share This
How Do You Know
I had a conversation with a friend recently that has me mulling me over something – how do you know? How do you know when someone is meant for you? How do you know that someone is the one you want to marry? How do you know that someone is the One? How do you make the decision that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?
Let me back up a little more and explain where all of this is coming from. A short while ago, I had a conversation with someone who asked me point blank, why he wasn’t the one for me. And my answer was, something was missing. His response then was, is something really missing, or it’s just my mind making me think something was missing. So I’m a psychology freak – and not just because I did psychology for my BA and MA. The mind is a beautiful thing and I sincerely believe we can never truly understand its true potential and capabilities (check out Limitless if you haven’t already). I believe in all kinds of things, trust me. So when he suggested maybe it was my mind, that completely threw me off. For days, I kept wondering, seriously, why not him? What is missing? What am I seeking? Will I really know when I find it? Will there be some absolutely clear and indisputable sign? Has the One already appeared and I missed it?
A few days after my conversation with the blast from the past, I overheard one girl say to another, ‘I really believed he was the one I was going to marry. We were meant to be together.’ She really believed it – what made her so certain? This guy in question eventually cheated on her, with someone close to her (what’s new, huh) but before his indiscretion, she believed he was the one. What was it? Was she just ready to settle down? And he seemed sufficient? Was it love?
To compound my confusion further, a guy recently told me one of his best buddies is probably going to get married soon. This best buddy has been dating his girl for less than 6 months! How the heck can he be certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with her? When did he know? Did he know even before they started dating?
Before I started thinking about all of this so deeply, I figured love and intuition would show me the way. I figured I’d just know, but now I’m thinking maybe I can’t simply rely on intuition or gut reaction. My whole methodology has been thrown off kilter.
This whole state of confusion I am in reminds me of the movie ‘How do you know’ directed by James Brooks, starring Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson and Paul Rudd. It was a crappy movie and I thought Reese’s made the wrong choice. She made the most likely and predictable choice, which didn’t seem realistic to me. It is really not that predictable, is it?
I believe people make mistakes, all the time about their relationship choices, especially when it comes to marriage. Without a doubt, a lot of people make marriage or partner decisions based on ‘timing’ – the person happens to be around at the perfect time, when one or both have decided to settle down. Some make the decision based on some list, often a stereotypical list, based on traits that parents, society, pop culture or the Church have deemed ideal and appropriate. Someone comes along who fits the bill, so the decision is made. Others make the decision out of desperation and fear – fear of being alone. With others, it’s because they want to be taken care of, and provided for. Bottom line, the decision isn’t always about true, genuine, honest love, is it?
I’ve always told myself my own decision will be based on love and a deep connection to the other person. But will I really recognize the connection? Maybe it won’t be like a light bulb going off like I’ve been thinking. My decision-making is a little off kilter, so I apologize. I’m just second-guessing myself now. What if I have let genuine, honest to God potentials go because of this mentality I have that ‘I will just know.’
Will I really just know? That’s the million dollar question for me right now. A couple of years ago, I made a list – a list of people I’ve liked, had a crush on, loved, whatever, and tried to think if they proposed today, would I marry either one of them? Shockingly, as I went down the list, my answer was mainly no. My gut said no, something was missing from each ‘potential’, but I am not clear on what! Now, I am just wondering, maybe I should revisit that list with fresh eyes.
I think marriage should be forever. I think marriage is an important decision. I think people need to take it seriously, before they take that leap. Marriage is hard enough as it is, so you really need to be sure. And also, I think a lot of people stay in loveless and difficult marriages because they want to commit to their decision – not commit to the other person, but simply commit to the decision they made to be with that person, like it’s some sort of punishment they must bear. A lot of people ‘settle’ and I’ve said I don’t ever want to settle. but am I taking it way too seriously?
I have too much work (professional and personal) on my plate to spend precious brain cells trying to figure things out. Should I keep trusting that I will miraculously know? Tell me how you knew – knew the girl or guy you’re with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Help a confused, cynical yet romantic writer out!
there is just something about men that still doesnt clik. a couple of months ago i was involved with this guy who really swept me off my feet. he is charming yes, but just not the sincere type. i loved him entirely and just wouldnt think of the possibility that he could hurt me. we pretty much went far and i let him right into my heart without thinking twice.just two months after we made love he changed and just wont answer my calls, he is either too busy or not ready to talk to me. my friend kept pushing and believing he would be any different from the others but hey, will men ever change? i think not, whether blue, black, white yellow whatever color he may be he still is and will be a man.well i cried a couple of times but i tried to pull myself together afterwards. today all i do is teach myself never to let loose of my emotions so easily again,its hard when the memories keep flashing down every time but i always pick myself up each time i fall into such mood. but do i really blame someone, certainly not. i caused myself so much pain and sadness but i have learnt a lot through that very mistake since then and i vowed never to cry over a man ever again. its a beautiful thing to fall in love with someone, the thing is you just have to be careful who you trust with your life. it isnt just about your heart, it involves your all. life is more than we believe it is, its just up to you to make it meaningful and worth living for.
its quiet hard i must say to know who really you are meant to be with. its so crazy how you feel special and so safe around that special person and yet that very basic ingredient is missing. i have had pretty hard time understanding this theory myself but hey,it just comes down to one thing always and it never makes sense to me.i have been in love a couple of time but really have not succeeded yet, my guess is i either give them all the phone call they hate to receive or im just not lucky enough. who cares anyways,life goes on no matter what.im being me and dont give a rat ass who says what.
I don’t believe in soul mates and I’m with Nana’s husband on all levels. Sometimes we place soo much emphasis on butterflies, instincts and that one special person etc. We under-estimate our own abilities to cope. How well a relationship works depends less on how many boxes he or she ticks but how we behave and adapt in the relationship. It’s all about YOU! Let us not overplay the need for a partner to be or look a certain way or draw certain feelings out of us in order to determine how long the relationship would last. The one ex who gave me the most butterflies was the ugliest puppy in the litter and treated me not too good on most days so there. But for a long time I was soo convinced he was the one and that i could take whatever shit came my way cos my love for him would conquer all. It took me a while to wake up and realise I was being silly and i needed to be real.
Now I’m married to that one friend who I never thought I would end up with. I still can’t believe it on some mornings when i see his face on the pillow next to mine. He is still puzzled when i mutter “i can’t believe I’m married to you”. The funny thing is mutual friends from 15 yrs ago are not surprised we ended up together. They saw that thing between us long before we realised it.
B, please do write that blog post on attraction and its importance! When anyone asks what I think is most important when you meet a guy and I say first looks (and then how funny he is), they always go “Nana, as for you, you are CRAZY! But what could be worse than fighting with someone and thinking “how dare he speak to me like that with his ugly self??????!” There is nothing better than waking up and seeing him lying there and thinking “okay, at least he’s a cutey”. Then he opens his eyes and we are at it again. Lol!
Oh, and I should mention though that my husband did give me butterflies when I first saw him… But then again, I turn into a puddle anytime I see a picture of Common or Maxwell… But as he reminds me, neither of them will tolerate me putting my icy feet on theirs when I come to bed or hold my hair back when I am being sick!! Needless to say, he is my friend when I most need one. At the end of the day, attraction cannot be discounted but a sexy person will turn into an ogre when they piss you off everyday! So marry your friend, one who makes you laugh and is your own bit of sexy chocolate (and yes, chocolate comes in all colors!) Lol!!!