Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
I’m sometimes like a love guru – a pro bono relationship therapist. I just wish I could use my infinite wisdom of men and relationships on myself. But anyways, that’s another story. A friend of mine (you must be tired when I always start with ‘a friend of mine’ – but I can’t divulge the names of my clients) called me on Saturday with a dilemma. He’s typically been a ‘bad boy’ most of his life with a heart more secure than Fort Knox. Despite all that, he’s never lacked attention. The women still fawn over him. But he recently decided to do things a little differently and be open to expressing his feelings. Unfortunately, that didn’t quite work out. He opened up, liked someone a lot, expressed it openly, and got nowhere. Then he reverted back to bad boy status and already has other options! So he called and said, what’s the deal?
I told him not to give up. It’s a hard balance but I said he still needs to try opening his heart up more but perhaps refrain from going all out.
Is that the right answer? I don’t know. I don’t get it either. Bad boys are openly bad. They are aloof, cocky, egotistical, flaunt their looks, cheat, don’t call, don’t bother to woo you and sometimes openly flirt or hit on other women in front of you. They don’t remember important moments in your life. They don’t call you or check on you when you’re sick. They notice every little weight gain but not the reasons why you’re stressed and overeating. They snap at you and make you feel guilty for their own crappy deeds. They prefer to keep your relationship a secret. Take it or leave it is their mantra. They can have who they want, when they want! So come on, why are women so attracted to bad boys?
I admit good guys can be a little overpowering, calling or texting every second, and they always want to be by your side. But they’re also attentive and considerate. They call you after a night out to make sure you got home safe. They remember your birthday. They remember your best friend’s birthday. They tell their friends about you. They make an effort to woo you, by taking you to dinner or sending thoughtful gifts your way. They stick to their word and are apologetic when they’re to blame for something. They’re there for you, through thick and thin, even though you’re not even officially dating. And as soon as it’s official, they change their Facebook status to say ‘in a relationship.’ Doesn’t all that sound dandy?
Despite all that, girls just like bad boys and good guys finish last. And I’m completely stumped as to why. I admit I’m guilty myself. My cousin has been bugging me for weeks about one particular guy and driving me crazy with her ‘why won’t you be with him?’ questions and my response each time is, ‘He’s boring.’ Truthfully, he’s a good guy and has a lot of potential. He’s hard working and driven, but he’s safe. Isn’t that so sad, that I’m hesitant because he’s safe? And instead I pine for bad boys who are slick, suave and shady!
Are TV and movies to blame? For instance, TV’s resident bad boy Don Draper from Mad Men. Don Draper is sexy as hell, but he’s also a cheat and female viewers, like me, still adore him. Carol Costello’s blog ‘Are Women Secretly Yearning for A Bad Boy’ centers on the Don Draper syndrome. In the article, Carol states that “Some female viewers love Don Draper so much, they didn’t blink an eye when he went beyond “bad boy” behavior to sexual assault in a clip from season two . Even Jezebel, a feminist women’s blogsite, gave him a pass for this because ‘…sometimes assertive women get tired of always being so damn assertive … sometimes they like to be told what to do.’”
And there are so many other TV/movie characters like Don Draper that we adore, e.g. James Bond (King of all bad boys), Mike Lowrey (Bad Boys), Dr. Gregory House (House), Christian Troy (Nip Tuck – can anyone be a bigger slut?), Mr. Big (Sex and the City), and last but not least SYLAR (Heroes – I love him to bits!).
But I’m not sure TV or movies are to blame. Some studies have confirmed the bad boy theory. According to Peter Jonason at New Mexico University in Las Cruces, ‘ Being just slightly evil could have an upside: a prolific sex life. We have some evidence that there are three traits that may represent a successful evolutionary strategy.’ The traits he’s referring to are collectively callled ‘the dark triad’: the self-obsession of narcissism; the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behaviour of psychopaths; and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism. Sounds terrible, huh? Based on 35,000 participants across 57 countries additional studies by David Schmitt of Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois indicates a similar link between these traits and reproductive success in men. Worse, these guys don’t have any problems getting married. When they’re ready to pop the question, they don’t get rejected.
Like I said, I am stumped. I don’t know why. Is it just some fantasy we’re trying to fulfill? Despite these studies, have we somehow been corrupted by TV and movies? Or is it innate, a genetic imbalance that begins with Eve? I don’t see it changing anytime soon though. So what’s a good guy to do? Be like Clark Kent and pray that time and commitment will bring Lois Lane into his arms? Good luck with that!
“Don’t kiss me Mike, I don’t know where your lips were last night.” Bad Boys, 1995
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Ok, lemme digress a bit by saying how much I also LOOOOOOVE SYLAR, he was almost slightly edged off my “badguy of the year” by John Travolta in the Taking of Pelham 123,” but now, he’s back!
Ok, back to the issue at hand… I’ve heard it said many times before that “women don’t know what they want,” and as much as I don’t believe it, there are always things y’all do that seem to confirm this. Good guys become boring because they’re predictable. Bad boys are attractive because there are so many ‘unknowns’ about them, and for whatever reason, lots of women would rather be guessing, suspecting or worrying what could be coming next…
I saw a movie last weekend titled “Ghosts of Girlfriends past” the actor was just being haunted by the many girls whose lives he had mesmerized. In the end however he learnt his lesson and went in for his childhood lover.
I first of all dont even get it when ladies throw themselves on other guys when they really really really know deep deep deep down their heart that whoever they are going after is seeing a dozen other ladies!!!! Someone please help!!
Sylar, Sylar, Sylar. He’s just something else, isnt he? But the good guys in Heroes are generally weak anyways, so they make Sylar seem even more indestructible.
Back to the topic, Leroy like you said – for whatever reason, women would rather be guessing or worrying about what could be coming next – so what is the reason? Why do we do that? Is it like an ego thing, a challenge, we wanna feel like we’re the queen bee the bad boy eventually settled for? Is it a competition? Do women feel like if they’re not competing with several other women for a guy then he’s not worth it? Is it like shopping, the more expensive something is, the more valuable?
And Edward, you’re right, that is one of the greatest female mysteries – ladies throw themselves on other guys when they really really really know deep deep deep down their heart that whoever they are going after is seeing a dozen other ladies.
So who has the answers? Who can save me from my bad boy disease?
well i think sometimes the thrill of being with a bad boy can be fascinating to women.
but we also have to learn to look beyond the immediate, and think about the long term effect it could have on our lives.
do we really want to spend the rest of our lives tolerating their bad behavior?
i really like Don Draper in Mad Men too, i think beyond the tough exterior he puts on, he is also insecure and confused, which is sometimes the case with many bad boys.
Folks…the answer is simple…bad boys are mysterious…and mystery is both intriguing and exciting especially in the beginning…with good guys that, unfortunately, is the missing element. But reformed bad guys are the way to go Boakyewaa especially those with a good sense of commitment….they know how to keep the mystery and intrigue and not overwhelm us with the constant attention but at the same time are done playing. Frankly, those are the ones who tell the girls straight up that they are not interested in a relationship because they don’t want to be in a relationship but yet we stay there anyway. I guess technically, those are not bad boys….we just not want to listen because we’re enamored by the swag….The other problem is we think our stuff is sooooo powerful that we would be that chick who can turn a bad boy into a good guy.
LOL, Femme lounge and Susan you say it the best!! My favourite quote “do we really want to spend the rest of our lives tolerating their bad behavior” ! Amen!
I think I may be a little different because I actually like guys who are a little boring because I’ve been told by my girlfriends that I’m boring (I wish they would tell me something I dont already know) lol. We can be boring together.
Bad boys huh?! lol. Seriously it is all a matter of priorities and values. Bad boy will always be around and will always be magnet for women. The solution is not to pray that they mysteriously or rather miraculously disappear from the planet – rather all a girl needs to do is to change her mind/thought-process! that’s it ladies. When you alter what you value, then the mystique of bad boys is not a challenge anymore. When you figure out that the essense of life is not hot bodies (though i appreciate that lol), hot cars, loud reputation, GQ looks, flirtation…but rather deep thoughtful gentlemen who do not have the persistent urge to conquer women to prove a point, you would have immunized yourself againt the bad-boy syndrome. Most the time, women who are attracted to bad boys, subconsciously feel like they are lacking something/some social recognition and secretly (though they would not admit it) want to use these ‘bad-boys’ to make a statement to the rest of the world – that they are hot, popular and the envy of other women! can i get an amen???? lol
Aye Klorks…bad boys do not necessarily mean fine boy oh. There are plenty Shabba Ranks-looking brothers out there who are also bad boys…just like there some Shemar Moore-looking guys who are boring as hell. That’s my thing…I like guys with a little bit of an edge because they tend to be fun. Good guys can be boring. A GQ good guy with a bit of edge and swag but who shares my views is who I’m trying to holler at.
u go Susan! lmao @ “Shabba Ranks-looking brothers”
erm, Klorks, aren’t u confirming the “women don’t know what they want” statement?
Dr Christian Troy! LOL gotta love that cat.
This is what I figured; The real bad boys are the ones that ain’t gotta lie to kick it. Humans (men & women) get upset when we can’t have our way & bad boys live life their way so women will always be upset with them.
They have heart though so if you are able to hang around long enough, that heart will come up for air & you’ll have a shot at it.
@ Edward: Bible & Koran says “sharing & caring” is good. I hear that bad boys share & care paaaaa. So maybe these women want to get to heaven quickly by following boys that practice what the good books say.
Oh B, did we not just establish that swagger was an attractive quality in men? Well, there’s your answer to why u r always attracted to the bad boys. How many good boys do u know have swagger?
And it’s so funny u shld talk about Don Draper ‘cos last night (while watching Mad Men) I was thinking, it would be worth being married if it meant I got to have an affair with Don Draper. Oh, ‘accidentally’ bumping into Mr Draper on the train…..secret hand-holding….mmmm just delightful.
Back to earth-and the matter at hand:
LoL @ Susan “we think our stuff is sooooo powerful that we would be that chick who can turn a bad boy into a good guy.” What stuff???? and LMAO @ “Shabba Ranks-looking brothers”
@ Klorks: there might be some truth to what u r saying although that would be sad b’cos what reputation would these girls be getting? They would just be the sad, women who know their husbands are being unfaithful to them b’cos they want to be ‘Madam Ring’.
I think bad boys serve a purpose in a woman’s life. They are there to provide the fun memories and secret smiles but not for marrying. And I think the bad boys themselves also know this about the women they are with. Some of them clean up their act when they find a woman they want to marry who will not tolerate their ‘bad-boy antics’.
I think, deep down, all these ‘bad boys’ are scared and confused little boys who just want to be thought of as ‘cool’ so the pretty girls will let them hold their hand.
Dude Shabba Ranks was very rough on the eyes! Very rough…he has some hits though!
But he claim to be Mr. Loverman. I don’t know how — maybe he had swag.
@Tudie — you know what I mean by “that stuff”.
“Some of them clean up their act when they find a woman they want to marry who will not tolerate their ‘bad-boy antics’. See Tudie, this is what I mean by we think our stuff is so great that we can change a bad boy. Bad boys change when they have had their fill of fun and are with a woman they respect. But it is them who decide to make the change and stick with it….at the end of the day though it’s their decision…
And the whole “deep down, all these ‘bad boys’ are scared and confused little boys who just want to be thought of as ‘cool’ so the pretty girls will let them hold their hand.”….no ma’am…bad boys are bad because they can get as much a$$ as they want. Please let’s not romanticize or make excuses.
So Susan, if bad boys r bad b’cos they can get as much a$$ as they want, then when will they change?
Probably when they realize that their time is up and there are younger ‘more badder boys’ (this grammar is so wrong I don’t even know how to phrase it) out there that are getting chicks like they used to.
I was not trying to romanticize it, just showing it to be sad state of mind for the men.
It is a sad state of affairs for both men and women. Okay where do I begin?
For me, I think ‘looks’ form a key pat of the bad boy appeal and mystery. Some may like the Shaba Ranks bad boy, but I’m more of the Don Draper bad boy type.
Honestly, it is very dangerous to ‘wait’ for a bad boy to settle. He will eventually, they do get married and have kids. But it always on their own schedule. And I also do believe that most often the one they settle with isnt necessarily the best of the lot, but just the one who happens to be around at that exact time that he thinks of settling. Its less what the woman does or who she is and more of his state of mind. There are so many bad boys who eventually get married and you’re like, what? He settled for her? Cos in the end its not really about her. He’s ready, she’s aight, she can be a good mother, so why not? Its totally a matter of timing and do you really wanna play roulette with your heart?
Tudie, gosh, I so so agree with you. Bad boys are great for fun memories, but as long as they remain in their bad boy status, they aint good for marriage. Isnt that how boys also think? They don’t wed the bad girls, they opt for the supposed good girls, so why don’t women make that distinction as well?
Hey Susan, the type you described – A GQ good guy with a bit of edge and swag but who shares my views – they’re very hard to come by! Honestly, thats the type I’m looking for too, but what is the probability of finding that? How long do you wait for that? And if that type doesnt come along, should I settle for a safe predictable good guy? Gosh, I don’t know!
YES SETTLE FOR A SAFE PREDICTABLE GOOD GUY.!!!!LOL
LOL…I know Boakyewaa…I was laughing while I typed it. Even though I laugh…that is truly what I want. I’m working on accepting the fact that my “ideal” may not exist. I’ll get there…no worries….you know…there is nothing wrong with a safe and predictable guy..I actually like consistency…I just don’t like a man without confih…there is a certain inate strength and confidence that I am looking for and respect and good guys have that too (i guess that’s what I mean by edge).
@Tudie….the bad boys change when they feel like they have had enough a$$ and done enough dirt. In other words, they have ridden the freak train off the tracks and there is nothing else to do but to settle down with that nice wholesome girl who is also an undercover freak (very important otherwise they will get back onto the freak train!).
Why should good guy equal weak, boring, predictable,bedroom novice, possibly ugly and lack swagger? Just because a guy disrespects his woman, doesn’t give an ish about anything and has his head so far up his a$$ that he can’t tell night from day, he’s called a “bad boy” and yearned for by all manner of respectable women. It completely baffles me. Bad boys are sooo overrated. Give me a good guy anyday…….
Miss B, I have a confession to make. There are times when I find my bubby’s attentions cloying. Why was Jane Eyre attracted to Mr Rochester and not amiable pliable John? And for Elizabeth, why Mr Darcy? The dark night on the dark horse, all hooded and masked, oozes adventure, and the one on the white horse spells permanence. I think the thrill of the unknown is compelling, and there’s something about having the attentions of a rake…a part of you feels like, well, you’re the best of the lot, ‘cos out of that harem of wickedly beautiful girls, he chose you!. At least, for the moment.
@Susan “they have ridden the freak train off the tracks and there is nothing else to do but to settle down with that nice wholesome girl who is also an undercover freak (very important otherwise they will get back onto the freak train!).” Veeeeery funny.
Does anyone believe that bad boys do change? A lot of bad boys I know have finally settled down but ofcourse at one point and maybe still for some, they dealt with rumors of being unfaithful and not having changed. Maybe I’m naive, but I believe those bad boys do change. I’ve know quite a few bad boys and some of you already said this, but deep within them, they are sweet, sensitive, weak creatures.
How about “so-called” bad girls who end up getting married? Boakyewaa that will be an interesting topic as well. lol.
So called bad girls! You know Brightstar, I cant count how many times I’ve told some guys this: the girl you think is a bad girl and a freak and not worth marrying may actually be very sweet, caring and faithful. And the one you think is an angel incarnate and looks like butter wont melt in her mouth may be the type who could even cheat on you. Guys make a lot of assumptions when it comes to women and I know so many chicas who act like saints and end up differently and other supposed bad girls who once they find someone to love, its a done deal.
So what does that say? Guys can be very judgmental about the ‘characters’ of women, but we don’t use the same microscope on them. Its about time we started. If they’re looking for wholesome girls to marry, we should be looking for wholesome guys as well.
The era of bad boys must end!!! lololololololol.
@ Brightstar — I believe some bad boys change. What I don’t know is how many of actually stay faithful to their wives. I guess infidelity (or lack thereof) would be determined by how seriously they take their vows. Then again, I’ve been told by almost every one of my guy friends (and brothers) that 9 out of 10 men will cheat. [Those are their stats not mine]. Those who don’t get caught are the ones who value their wives and marriages and do everything in their power not get caught, e.g. they only do it when they go on trek. [Their words not mine]. I don’t know how true that is and I’m not sure if we’ll ever know. I guess we can either chose to bury our heads in the sand and block it out or sleep with one eye open for as long as we’re married. It really is a sad state of affairs…..
@ Boakyewaa…..do you know how many reformed bad girls there are out there? Don’t let that wholesome facade fool you….them chicks just make sure their “badness” is not kept in the same circle of friends…:-) That’s why it’s best not to talk about “numbers”.
I used to be a good guy, back in Secondary School (presec
gnashing teeth days), until one day a ”good” girl told me in SSS3 that I was ”nice but” and that I was soo ‘’sweet” funny ei?. I dont think its being bad necessarily its just being confident saying what you feel like saying and not giving a rat’s backside what the woman thinks. Most of the time the boring guys just agree with what the woman says and they sometimes even apologise for disagreeing with a woman(exmaple below). Seriously since that day, I have just been very honest with the women I meet, not a lot of sweet talking,and most of the time it works sometimes it doesnt, well even reggie bush gets rejected so no problems with that.And most good guys tend to be needy, whereas like you have all said bad boys get a$$ and thus will not give you 15 missed calls (yes I did that once but never again) With regards to marriage, I agree with the right woman being there at right time, marriage really is a state of mind, and when you are in that mood, well its quite a powerful feeling. I got engaged and married within a year, i have 2 kids now and its been pretty good, I had chased that SSS girl since form 1 hmmmm. Typical example.
Mr Nice Guy: I love italian food, i think its the best in the world.
Lady: I dont really like It I prefer french.
Mr Nice Guy: Im sorry you are right perhaps french food is better, I didnt mean to say that.
Bad boy is along the lines of ”tough, italian food is gorgeous and if you are lucky and i mean really lucky i might take you out to get some dinner sometime”
OMG! Tony! 15 missed calls??? That is truly disgusting. I’m glad you said never again. But you’re right. It’s the neediness. Let me emphasize though, that you really shouldn’t be a cold SOB, and neither should you be clingy and needy. Like I say week after week, everything is a fine balance. Anything you do in the extreme cant be right.
FAVORITE QUOTE OF THE WEEK: ”tough, italian food is gorgeous and if you are lucky and i mean really lucky i might take you out to get some dinner sometime”
I would love it even more if a guy said that to me! Is that shameful?
@Susan: thats what I’ve been telling guys, not to be fooled by the wholesome facade some girls put up. I been saying that for years! They never listen. Most bad boys also think they can spot a good girl from a mile away. Yeah right. You think you’re good at your game? There’s a girl out there who’s even better!
laughing hysterically @ Tony & Boakyewaa’s comments
@Tony…I’m dying…LOL! But 15 missed calls aint cute. The sad thing is there are some women out there who would dismiss a guy if there less than 5 missed calls.
On a more serious note, Tony confirms things for me: a reformed bad boy is the way to go. I like the honesty and directness — don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Just give it to me straight. You might be surprised by my response. They also don’t take things so seriously so it makes it easy to be playful — we all know laughter is good for the soul. But then if you realize you’re not the right woman, bounce immediately…
Puhleease girls! NO WOMAN wants a good guy. That’s why you have girlfriends…to watch movies with, talk about emotions with, and be instantly, predictably reachable by phone.
Naah, we want the man with swag, the guy who makes the butterflies flutter in your tummy or that inexplicable frisson dance up your spine with just one look in your direction or a flash of his crooked smile (and why do all the bad boys have crooked smiles? It’s just so damn endearing!) It’s affirming to us ladies–kinda like “of all the girls fawning over him, he chose me…I must be some kind of bad ass!” Forget that they take us through the entire gamut of emotions that a good guy never would. Women are born nurturers…we just want a chance to love away whatever caused them to become “bad” in the first place, and “heal” them.
I just have to get on my soapbox a quick minute here and say that I do not equate bad boys with cheaters. Nobody should stand for that ish no matter how hot this supposed bad boy is.
Hey, I had my good guy…he was a great, salt of the earth guy who started asking me to marry him after 3 months of dating. Yikes!!! I was out of there with a quickness (of course, Karma is a total bitch: a month ago, I saw him on the TV show Shark Tank where he was awarded $200 thousand for his startup company, OUCH!!) And what was I doing? Happily wiping poop of the butt of my second child with my bad ass, bad boy, emotionally challenged husband. And I wouldn’t have it any other way!
The crooked smile! I thought it was just me, but they all have some very funny, crooked mischievous smile huh. Weird. I wonder what that’s about.
‘Bad ass, bad boy, emotionally challenged husband!’ – sounds purrfect! Hehehehehe.
*sternly* Boakyewaa Glover!!!! I am calling Dr. Phil on you right now!
@Ephy….thanks for summing it up. I saw Kwame on Shark Tank…he’s cute. Pity he is so nice.
@ Boakyewaa…with you on the “Bad ass, bad boy, emotionally challenged” deal except he has to be a reformed bad ass bad boy who can tell me once in awhile how great I am. So sorry Frankie…I know you’re disappointed in us.
So while watching an old episode of Grey’s anatomy there was a quote that I totally agree with “Okay this man is a whore, has always been a whore, and will always probably be a whore. But I mean that’s not a secret. He’s not keeping it a secret. You all knew this about him before you got involved with him, and now you all want to be “Woe is me, he didn’t call me back, he’s dating other women” He’s nasty! . . . So let us all close our knees” So Bad boys . .We all like them, and their crooked smile . .But we all know they were bad boys before . .so why do us women always complain when they come back and hurt us?? We knew it was coming!! So I agree with Ms B, we should all remember the incredibly good whatever . .and not blame them for hurting us and saying they are so bad! And yes they are Damn exciting too!! But some day I hope we all grow out of out Bad boy phase because else your life will be only filled with drama! I loved Bad boys at one point of my life . .but now I am ready for a good boy . . I think boring would be a nice relief . .
@ Susan: Gasp!! Do you work for the FBI? I never named any names…and I’m not confirming…good girls dont kiss and tell : )
@ Boakyewaa: Miss B, I don’t heart you. Your blog keep me up into the wee hours of the morning then I go to work all bleary eyed and patchy skinned. Keep rocking…love the blog!
@Ephy — I happen to watch that show from time to time and caught Kwame’s episode. I just knew he was your dude. But you know, Kwame is blowing up…he’s on youtube now… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvXRIAUvpsw&feature=youtube_gdata
I have a feeling our good guy is going to turn into a bad ass pretty soon with all the panties that will be thrown at him and what not. Good for him.
Ephy, Ephy, Ephy! What the heck? I just watched the video of your ex-boo. That is impressive! He sounds pretty smart and driven. He doesn’t quite come across as boring but you can tell he’s not necessarily bad ass either. He seems grounded you know. Wow, interesting! Susan, Ms. FBI, is he married? Can you get that info? lololololololol.
Ps. Ephy, sorry i keep you up late but keep checking the blog! Love ya. Say hi to your husband (my cousin) for me eh.
Hahahahahaaa B! I’ll see what I can dig up on his marital status and vital statistics.
Very sad on my part (to be nosying around) but I already researched and looks like he is married with 1 kid or something like that I think I read. lol lol.
I married a former bad boy…I met him when he was a bad boy had some fun with him then dropped him after getting tired of his behavior. Fast forward a year later he comes back claims he’s changed …in my mind I’m like this is BS but after hard work(on his part)he proved to me that he had indeed changed. Totally committed now….complete transformation. I’m still baffled.