I think strategy is definately important, but it should not compromise who you are, because you will end up getting theguy alright, and he will end up leaving you alright, as soon as he finds out who you truly are, especially if you tweek your personality. So i mean mos def, if you dont wear heels all the time, maybe wear it on the first date or two, but i dont think you should get a whole make over just to get the guy and then you cannot even keep up with the fake nails and weave. i guess its more of a market yourself by highlighting the good things, not embellishing ur true character in a lie.

Anyone who maintains that they’re completely themselves is a liar in my books. I think at some point we’ve all made changes to ‘get’ a man even if it was very subtle.

I definitely agree that snagging your ‘man’ involves some kinda strategy. If making superficial changes helps you win your man and its an improvement then by all means go for it. As you rightly say, it is very important not to compromise who you are and what you believe in, just so you can ‘get’ the man who may not even be appreciative of the sacrifices you’ve made. Then resentment sets in!!

It is okay to be supportive of our partners and be interested in the things that are important to them but don’t be totally immersed in it.

Why does it seem that we are always making changes and are prepared to be with guys; but we readily accept them for who and what they are (flaws and all)?

@Nana, yes oh, Hamilton and Nicole dated for awhile. They broke up earlier this year or sometime late last year.

I guess the general consensus is some strategy is required, just depends on what the goal is, whether it compromises your beliefs or if you can maintain the charade long-term.

I agree with Bonnie, anyone who says they have NEVER ever made any adjustments probably has selective memory. Plus admitting you’re not 100% truthful is like saying you’re stunningly beautiful – its frowned upon. Who really wants to admit they pretend, even if its just a little?
To be honest, I think crafting a strategy itself is a little pretentious. Strategy means planning, calculated thoughts, deliberate actions – which equals you’re not being 100% you.
As soon as you start to think of how you can better package yourself, you will make some tweaks, consciously or unconciously, you will change something. And I’m not referring to physical tweaks like heels. As soon as you begin to strategize, you will make internal adjustments as well. Its not that easy to seperate the two.

what really gets my goat is when our own female friends, sisters, mothers, etc. try to get us to change who we are so we can snag/keep a guy… “don’t you know ladies don’t drink beer”, “oh won’t you put on small makeup”, etc. if i like you i’ll definitely make an effort to look nice but not to the extent that it conflicts with what i’m most comfortable with. i’m a poor liar, but even those who are good at it can’t fake it forever.

Hey good people. I’ve been away a while, I’m now going thru to see what I’ve missed… This is an interesting post – I guess it’s true that everyone has ‘tweaked’ him/herself to be 100% what they think the other person wants, but the big question is ‘how much has it helped?’ One of the biggest problems with this is the fact that you’ll always have some explaining to do when you’re ‘out of character.’

My personal opinion is founded on three little gems of advice, hopefully, it will help those of you who are caught in the middle – “Just be you”:

1. If you don’t feel you, how do you expect someone else to? – when you first ’spot’ someone and are attracted to him/her, it’s gonna be generally based on that first impression. Make it count by being consistent!

2. A sprung trap always returns to it’s original state (or something like that-i’m paraphrasing here – simply means, when there’s a crisis, we go back to basics. Don’t be surprised when a sugared-up, educated man leans and yells, “Ony*********!” at the tro-tro driver who just scratched his car.

3. Women don’t dress to impress men, but rather to compete with other women – dunno if it’s true, but I was told this by a wise woman, and it looks plausible. Even if it’s not true, still do you, and not him – one man might think you’re hot, while another might think you’re a ho’

My two pesewas…

@Nana, i was referring to single men vs. single women.
@Afrocentric, ‘delete-copy-paste?’ Frigging, frigging hysterical! I think that’s my phrase for the week!
Leroy, agreed, we gotta be consistent. So for instance, if (using Abla’s example) I don’t typically wear heels, and I wear heels on my first date with a guy, manage to ’snag’ him and then never wear heels again, thats deception right? But does that mean I shouldn’t make an effort to step out of my comfort zone and get dolled up? If you don’t step out of your comfort zone every now and then, perhaps you need to change the type of man you’re looking for.
What I mean is, if you’re a ‘hobo’ or ‘gypsy’ type of girl (flats, long, flowy dresses and tops, jeans, simple tees) and you want to date a professional man who entertains a lot, then sorry but every now and then you gotta consider some heels.
Is the solution for us to only want men who dress, sound and ‘look’ like us, and will accept our lifestyle choices 100%? Ehh, I don’t think so. We can’t always chose who we like. So if you really like him, deeply, then a few uncomfortable changes won’t hurt.

Honestly, for me, its tough to be 100% yourself. You may think you are, but I doubt that.

I have seen in movies, a scene where a lady hears a knock and runs to the bedroom to change her dress, and make up to meet their man.; and the guys saying wow you look stunning… and sitting back saying in my head, “who is she fooling”. You can do this scene at home and be pardon for it but when it comes to character and who you really are, seriously, we need to be open about it.
The big question has always been who are you fooling? If you are not what you portray to be, you may live a thousand years with your partner, the mid night of the thousand and one day, u will expose your true self. Better be yourself and let the man accept you for who you are rather than, trying to “put” up a face that you are not.

Maxine, love it, love it, love it. You summed up everything i’ve been saying perfectly. “No one can be consistenly constant. We are not always our best in the absence of others.” Its just not possible to be yourself 100% all the time. And there’s nothing wrong with trying to be ‘better.’ But of course as soon as I said that the question that popped into my head is – who defines what’s better? You or the man you’re interested in? lolololol.
Ah well.

Boakyewaa, you write ridiculously well. Discovered your blog in relation to the book and it’s already a favorite.

Everyone puts their best foot forward at the start of a relationship: both men and women. We all want to make a good first impression.

I don’t think it’s that there are that many more women to men. Even if there were, not every single woman is a perfect match or great catch for every single guy. We all have to wade through the waters. Whatever way you cut it, it takes time (and much trial and error) to find the right (kind of) person.

I agree with everyone who says it’s natural to be a little altered by a relationship. I don’t agree with the need for strategy beyond instinct though. I think Morgan’s method only works out in the short-term. Yes, it will get you a man. He may be right for you: but are you right for him? You can’t take that as a given. Sounds like the kind of thing that leads to drama when the truth hits the fan.

Especially five years into a relationship when then stakes are so much higher.

Being yourself is hardly the scenic route. But it seems to me to be the only path to the Land of Genuinely Good Lovin’. People just need to get past this overblown fear of being alone. Loneliness rarely lasts forever.

My mother is 60, on her third marriage, and almost a decade into their marriage, I really think this guy is the one for her. To think he came along when she discovered herself and learned not to settle or pretend.

I really don’t believe in pretending or being something other than myself. I have been married before and about to get married again and I have always been myself. If a man can’t love me for who I am then goodbye to him because with or without him I will be happy. I mean,honestly what is he doing to make me want to settle down with him? Ladies need to know their true value and stop trying to compromise themselves for some man.

You raise a very very good point, Esi.
I do believe in 3 things: 1. some of the changes we make to suit, attract or keep a man may be unconscious, doesnt even register. 2. i do think it is okay to make some changes, so long as it doesn’t affect our core beliefs, and our core personalities. 3. In the end, what is most important is our self esteem.
I hate heels with a passion, but that’s an outward dislike in a way. Wearing heels one day for a date will not damage or even dent my perception of who I am, and what I stand for. My self esteem will still remain intact even if i wear heels once a blue moon, like on our wedding day or a couple of dates.
To me thats the sum of it. We WILL always make little changes, sometimes for ourselves,sometimes for our parents, and sometimes for a significant other. Nothing wrong with that, so long as your core beliefs and self esteem remains intact.