Married life is steeped in secrecy. When people are dating, they are open (somewhat) to talking about their love lives, infidelity issues, insecurities, and so forth. The ring goes on the finger and all disclosure ceases. And when they do speak about their marriages, it’s hard for an outsider to tell what’s truth and what’s spin. Seriously, married couples are probably more secretive than the Freemasons. I think part of the issue is because married couples get advice all the time from family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and strangers. There is so much advice available it’s hard to determine what to listen to and what to let go in one ear and out the other. Everyone has an opinion on how you can ensure a successful marriage. With the avalanche of unwanted advice, of course they’ll simply keep mum on it all.

I think another reason married couples are so secretive is because there is so much more at stake. You can fail at work, friendships and youthful relationships. Failing at marriage, unfortunately, is more devastating, more crippling and more people, example kids, are affected. My third guess is that married couples feel a need to be secretive because of this paranoia (real or imagined), that everyone outside the marriage wishes you ill. This is particularly common among African marriages. The minute you’re married, you feel everyone, particularly your single friends, just want you to fail. So why provide anyone the fodder to drag you down?

In any case, somehow, I managed to find a few couples willing to talk and provide us with minuscule insight into their marriages. Putting this blog together has been challenging. Trust married couples to give me a tough time. I started the search last year after the ‘Women Tell All’ blog and found five couples. One couple dropped out really quickly, and then I lost another couple along the way. Now down to three, digging information out of the husbands was more like searching for life on the Sun, impossible. I really had no control here. The men just wouldn’t talk! I barely got syllables from them, but the women went on and on and on… Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It’s official.

Here’s a little glimpse into the married lives of Dede and Chief, Goldie and Edem, and Tikki and Kay.

Note: Hubby 1 corresponds with Wifey 1, but the couples are random for each question. Couple 1 for question 1 may not be Couple 1 for question 2. The answers are also not based on the placement of the pictures.

1.      At what point did you know this was the person you wanted to marry?

Wifey 1: On the wedding day seriously. I’m not a complicated or profound person so no soul searching and the like for me. A few months after we started dating, we talked about marriage somewhat half heartedly then I got pregnant so I really don’t have any ‘down on his knees proposal’ story. Getting married had to be brought forward because I got pregnant. It was the practical thing to do though I gave him lots of opportunities to not do it. It was almost like I was trying to get him not to marry me. Up to the wedding day was hectic and even the night before we had a fight. Then middle of the night he called and said: “what am I going to do with this wife of mine” or something along those lines. It was just the way he was willing to let go of my disrespect earlier (in front of his friends might I add) that did it for me. I’m quite fickle like that.

Hubby 1: During marriage counseling.

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Wifey 2: I think it was about 8 or 9 months into our relationship. He was with his nieces, babysitting them and it seemed so easy. I guess I kinda knew then that he’d make a good dad and thought to myself. I’d have to marry him first won’t I?

Hubby 2: Ah. Ah. (After a little sleep and more prodding) – When I was sick in the hospital and she stayed with me overnight. That’s when I realized I wanted to marry her.

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Wifey 3: I think it was like 6 months after we started dating. We talked about kids and marriage and I felt all gooey and warm. And we used to hang with his niece a lot. It felt right.

Hubby 3: Well we’ve have been through a lot together so I looked into my future and I realized all I could see was her. She’d been there for me and she made me understand what love was all about.

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2.      How long have you been together?

Hubby 1: Three years, I think. Well, we broke up and got back together so altogether 3 yrs.

Wifey 1: Since 2007, almost three years. Does breaking up and getting back together count? 3 years altogether.

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Wifey 2: We met after secondary school. Our friends were dating and there was always that tension between us but nothing happened because he thought he was this bad ass and well I thought I was all that too. We communicated on and off through uni and afterwards.  We both found ourselves in the UK in 2006, both having troubles with our partners at the time so we became fuck buddies for a few months. I cut it off at times when I realized I was getting attached and he was just out to have fun and still liking his ex.

And at that time, I had ‘cooled’ off with the love of my life. I had rebounded with another ex who was also stressing me. My life was pretty full of drama. There were nights when I was with him when this ex of mine would call asking where I was, etc and he didn’t care too much because we were just having sex right. That bothered me. I wanted him to care and I realized I was caring too much for him. Anyway, I’d always encouraged him to visit Ghana because he had been away for awhile so he came to Ghana for a holiday, came back to London and said he was off to Ghana for good!

I was somewhat back with the ‘love of my life’ plus another fuck buddy. He came back to Ghana in October 2007 and I came back soon after. We were talking a few times before I came and I just got this vibe that something was going to happen. We talked when I came and I told him up front that fuck buddy will no longer work for me, so it’s either exclusive or nothing at all. I told him to go think about it. A few hours after I left him, he called and said he is cool with that. So we started dating from Nov 2007 soon after I moved back. I got pregnant in Aug 2008, we started planning wedding right away. I had a miscarriage in Dec 2008 and the wedding was in Jan 2009. Trust me in the beginning I did wonder if he was with me because of the pregnancy. I did all I could to be double sure he didn’t feel tied down. When most girls are convincing men to marry them, I was doing the opposite. My pride couldn’t take someone being with me because I was pregnant.

Hubby 2: About 2.5 years (married 1.5years)

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Hubby 3: 7 years or 8?

Wifey 3: 10 years; met him on the 14th of November 2000. When I told him that was the date, he was like wow that’s my dad’s b day. I’m like I know now! Each year I tell you dummy! Anyways, so he goes to church at Ridge Church too. You know how when you go to church often you tend to sit at the same place or pew. I had seen him there a couple of times and told my sister and my mum I thought he was cute. So each time I was dragging my feet to go to church my mum would say your boyfriend will be there and I’d jump out of bed. So anyways, I was in school when an old classmate of mine, his cousin, came into my room at Volta to invite me and my mates to her cousin’s internet café. So we all dress up and follow her and we get there and you wouldn’t believe whose cafe it was! His! It was so funny. This is me acting like I don’t know him and yet we both know we’ve been eyeing each other in church. Anyways, bottom line, let’s just say we didn’t even need introductions. That was it.

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3.      What’s your perception of love/true love?

Wifey 1: Charley B, for me love is very difficult to explain. It’s a feeling that makes you tickled each time you think of the person, makes you want to look your best for your boy and yet you also don’t mind when he sees you in torn old pjs with your hair all over. I feel this piercing inside me when I fear for his life. When I try to picture my world when the kids have grown, I see us sitting on some porch, teasing each other about who is more growie than the other.  It’s the feeling I get when I hear something or see something and I want to share it with someone, he’s the one I call first. That feeling grows more every year, but it’s also more confusing. It’s transformed.

I believe we’ve moved through phases. Like that kind of ‘can’t take my hands off you’ stage, to ‘ok I am stuck with you so let’s see what you have to offer.’ Then it’s ‘ok I hate some stuff about you, but I still love being with you,’ to the stage where you know deep down that you complement each other. It’s a stronger bond now, plus we have kids that we brought into the world. So I guess yes its grown into a comfortable feeling.

Hubby 1: When you find someone who doesn’t mind your bad sides and still likes you.

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Wifey 2: I believe this is my destined partner. I don’t know who else will put up with my shit and who else will put up with his. I love him and I care for him deeply. Is that true love?  The word love always makes me feel weird, kinda over-rated I think and abused. I always seem to be the one saying “I love you too.”

Hubby 2: Respect, trust, friendship, communication/co-operation and encouragement.

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Wifey 3: I guess for me true love is being there for someone NO MATTER WHAT, having the chance to be yourself and not be judged. It also means having someone who ”gets” you and is not afraid to show you and the world that they’re crazy about you and would do anything for you.

Hubby 3: Hmmm true love. I don’t know. It’s being understanding, patient, being there no matter what. It’s being able to be yourself with your significant other, you know, no pretenses. I smoke, she knows I smoke she takes it as it is. Not that I go out and smoke and when I’m home with her I pretend I don’t or I can’t smoke in front of her and all that bullshit. Oops, am I allowed to say that?

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